


allegedly into plagues, disasters and yuri

by xShieru



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V
Genre: Crack, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Implied Relationships, Multi, Sexuality Crisis, texting-format, yuri is enthusiastically gay and ready to score
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 00:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11543580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xShieru/pseuds/xShieru
Summary: An unlikely love story told through a bunch of chatrooms.





	1. gayme nites

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emulikule](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emulikule/gifts), [yotrashkid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yotrashkid/gifts).



> not to be taken seriously, obviously out of character  
> also im not funny and i have to write smth for every ygo i watch no matter how stupid

**Lancers chat, October 2nd**

**-**

 

YUGO: where’s yootyoot

YUYA: He still has some errands to run for mom, so we can either wait up or start a new game haha ^^

YUGO: lameeee

 _YURI:_ New game, definitely. (¬､¬)

YUGO: uh newsflash, eggplant, we need an extra

YURI: I already see one /extra/ right here and I think that we don't need another one. (＾∇＾)

YUYA: I can always ask sawatari to join? From what I gathered based on his rants, he’s not doing anything important today, seeing that the whole intro week has finally passed and the student council are free dobbies once more

YURI: Pardon me, but I think that Sawatari was desperately implying that he wants you to take him out for "quality" one on one time.~~

YUYA: ??? o____o

YURI: lol jk. Or am I?

YUGO: if you add sawatari to this goddamn chat I will stab myself with a teaspoon. seppuku: committed

YURI: Oho~? Now I’m curious to see if he'll be able to keep that promise.~~ ɾ⚈▿⚈ɹ Do it, Yuya.

YUGO: n o

don't you friggin dare

YURI: Yes.

Do it and I'll treat you to lunch. I heard that the new pancake place is pretty neat! ( ◞･౪･)

YUYA: Man, Yugo, I'm sorry but this is really tempting >.<"

YURI: Yesss.

Victory is on my side as always!~

YUGO: that's????????????? cheating????

YURI: ;)

YUTO: You scrubs do realize that I have unlimited MB on my phone right

Also call me yoot yoot again and you’ll find yourself disappearing under mysterious circumstances. your family will weep tears of blood after they discover your unrecognizable remains

YUGO: edgelord’s back at it again with some snappy one-liners ayyy wb

YUTO: Ok hugo whatever you say

YUGO: BITCH YOU DID NOT, WHAT DID U JUST FUCKING SAY

YURI: Looks like we’re all here then! Ready for a friendly, 100% non-toxic match?~ °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

YUTO: Do I get to be on a team that doesn’t have doggo on it

YUGO: i will fucking block you

YURI: Yep!

Except we’re going as a team lol so you will have to deal with Pogo. I'm sorry for your loss of dignity beforehand! 

YUTO: No go

YUYA: Oh no

YUGO: I’M GONNA QUIT THIS FUCKING CHAT RIGHT NOW ALSO YOU’RE BLOCKED, ALL OF YOU ARE BLOCKED. YUYA IS BLOCKED TOO I CANT BELIEVE YOU SANK TO THEIR LEVEL

YUYA: No wait it rhymed on an accident!!!!!!!!!!!! yugo don’t LEAVE :(((

Also can y’all like curse a little less, it’s b a d

And I don’t like it >:T

Dad says that for every curse word, a child weeps T~T

YUTO: If that’s even remotely true then I think I’m the god of children’s’ nightmares by now

Also I’ll buy a bar of soap just for awooga and his dirty mouth. What kind of foam do your taste buds prefer, tell me the exact flavor and you’ll get it free of charge

YUGO: whoa roll back on the passive aggressive. you're edgy on daily basis but today your edge is actually sharp enough to cut a weaker man

YUTO: I’m not in the mood to dick around

YURI: Oh I think I know what kind of foam he likes. ;))))

YUGO: you are fucking disgusting

YUYA: Guys. Cursing?? Hello???

YUGO: yes hello I fucking curse fuckfuckfuck kids are weeping and global warming is still a thing

YURI: Save the planet by not riding that smelly, obnoxiously loud thing that you call your motorcycle. I'm sure that'll make a difference.

YUGO: ignored

YUTO: Yuya no one in this chat can curse worse than you when you're ganked at 10 HP

YUGO: berserk mode, my favorite meme

YUYA: It slips out accidentally!!!! I don’t actually curse THAT MUCH :T

YUTO: As someone who's lived with you for these past 19 years i can calmly say - fake and untrue

YUYA: YOU SIMPLY WALK IN DURING UNFORTUNATE MOMENTS >A< !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUGO: lmao remember when yuzu was parrot-sitting at rin’s and mocha learned to say shieeeeeeeeet in yuya’s voice?

YUTO: I sometimes still think about it and cry

YUGO: like dys if u crye everytiem

YURI: I have all the receipts screened and safely kept in my blackmail folder, Yuya. ~~ I can bring them out at a moment’s notice in case you’re having a hard time recalling it. uwu

YUGO: you have. a specific folder. for blackmail purposes.

YURI: And you don’t? What sort of existence are you leading? How do you get by in our ever-corrupted society?

YUGO: like a decent person, apparently. also I have fucking respect for my friends

YURI: I’m so touched to hear that you consider me close enough to you to be called a friend!~

YUGO: i was about to write "except for you" but now it’s just awkward lmao no it’s not get bent asshole

YURI: I never would've guessed. I've been duped.

YUGO: is that sarcasm or

YUYA: That’s mean!!!! :(

YURI: It’s okay, sweetheart, I know he secretly likes me. ;)

YUGO: whatever helps you sleep better at night, jojo

YURI: See? Nicknames already. Sweet dumbo, I bro you too, no homo!ヾ(＾∇＾)

YUTO: I can hear his keyboard breaking fifteen km away

Aight you can stop flirting also I’m not joining. Not in the mood for let me guess another LDS2

YURI: Oh you’re so great at guessing surprises! What tipped you off – the fact that we’ve been playing it for the past three months?

YUYA: How’d you know o_o

YUTO: I cant tell if you’re serious or not

YUYA: I am!!!! >A<

YUTO: Yuya you talked about this at breakfast for like fifteen minutes straight and I had to make myself another fruit concoction even though I really hate mangos just to drown you out. this just in everyone he can talk over the sound of fruits being sliced to goo, loud and clear. you should go to cheerleader tryouts. with that voice, you’d be better at it than mackfield im sure

YUGO: can I borrow your juice maker so that I can stick jojo's dick into it and keysmash blend

YURI: Ohoho kinky.~~

YUTO: I see that no one's set on keeping their dick in their pants so yeah here’s the thing shun and I are meeting up

YURI: For a hot date? ;)

YUTO: For THE HOTTEST study date. We’ve a paper due tomorrow so idk sawatari it is then

YURI: You're no fun to provoke.

YUTO: Boohoo. Yuya, try asking yuzu? I think she won’t turn down a game night

YUGO: nah man, her old man took her out to see a baseball game. she’s been snapping depressing things and asking me how long one inning lasts for an hour now

apparently baseball games are a whole lot longer than I’d initially thought

YUYA: Ok that’s nice and all but

What paper?????? >:o

YUTO: Oh you know the one for advanced biotech?

YUYA: O_O

YUTO: Wait you wanna tell me you didn’t submit it? dude, the deadline’s like in a few hours we’re already in flames coz we got no time for that

YUGO: did you honestly forget it? it’s worth like 30% of your final grade. shit, kawasaki’s gonna have your ass for this and this is coming from a guy who yelled yeet mid-lecture

rin still owes me a coffee for that riiiiiiight

YUYA: OK GUYS APPARENTLY I CANT PLAY, BUT HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME ANYWAY

SCREAMS

FUCKING PAPERS

**[ YUYA changed status to "Do Not Disturb" ]**

YURI: Do not curse, you just made a poor child weep somewhere!

YUGO: there he goes….. see you biotech cowboy

i literally cannot comprehend the fact that I actually managed to submit it without being the last person to do so

YURI: I guess you have at least /some/ common sense located somewhere in the back of your peanut-sized brain after all! If not comprehensive abilities which happen to be quite… laggy. What a joyous day filled with shocking discoveries!∩(︶▽︶)∩

YUGO: this is the exact reason why you have no friends

YURI: But making enemies is so much more fun. They react in such splendid ways! Like you. Life would be dull without this, you feel?

YUGO: i think my life would be at least 80% more bearable without your ass around

YURI: I’ll have you know that I have a great ass.

YUGO: literally no one cares

YUTO: Ok guys don’t mind if I don’t stay

YURI: I disagree.

YUGO: gotta back up your words somehow

YURI: Why? You wanna keep conversing about my assets? I knew that you care. ~;)

YUGO: there’s no way to reason with you. pvp on fantasia O and we settle this like men

YURI: Bring it.

* * *

**Lancers chat, October 3rd**

YUTO: Ok but has anyone considered this – we need a healer

Yuya, can you like not choose casters for one game

YUYA: But we need a good mage?????

-

 

**[google search: how to convince a friend to switch classes coz they suck at their own also what is a melee attack that connects we just dont know]**

 

**-**

 

YUGO: ...you’re a better warrior

YUYA: Being a warrior makes me anxious tho >.<""" Tanking is haaaard

YUGO: well we already have our resident assassin so stealth is no go

YURI: Hello, I exist, inconspicuously.

YUTO: You mean tanking flips your berserk mode switch

GONGENZAKA: I DO NOT WANT A REPEAT OF THAT.

MY FATHER WAS VERY CONCERNED WITH MY CHOICE OF FRIENDS.

YUYA: Okay okay there’s no need to yell im sorry!! :((((((

GONGENZAKA: I’M NOT YELLING. THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE. I ACCIDENTALLY BROKE THE CAPSLOCK BUTTON. I APOLOGIZE IF I UNWILLINGLY UPSET YOU, YUYA.

YUYA: Ohhh ok! :)) You should fix it asap wink wonk

YUTO: “dink donk”

YURI: “bink bonk”

YUGO: “ping pong”

YUYA: Stop.

YUGO: k

lmao what did you like punch the keyboard or smth

GONGENZAKA: ACTUALLY I DID. THERE WAS A MOTH. IT WAS LATE AND I GOT STARTLED.

YUTO: Heroic

YUGO: justified

YURI: Seconded.

YUYA: aaaaaaaaaaaaaa You two are finally getting along after all!!!!

YUGO: no

YURI: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

YUTO: So anyway who is gonna switch

YUGO: no healers, we die like idiots

GONGENZAKA: GET YUZU.

YUYA: Get the paddy wagon and set these kids straight :DD

YUTO: Nah

YURI: Impossible.

YUGO: yes, we all know you’re very enthusiastically gay, we get it, we know, let me play my fucking game

YURI: Straightie :)

YUYA: She can’tttt also she’s not gonna be a healer coz she thinks they suck

YUTO: “Picking healers is like bottoming for gamers” – Serena 2kxx

YUGO: now I know that I’m rushing into death like an idiot for sure

YURI: Ok, I guess I’m good at /bottoming/ and since none of you fucks are brave enough to take one for the team, I’m making the humble sacrifice.

And I will be following bogo around just because of that comment.~~

In case any of you need me. ;))

YUTO: I’m fine with this

YUYA: Same

GONGENZAKA: I AGREE TO IT AS WELL.

YUGO: if you do a terrible job at it im kicking you from the party

YURI: Try me first. ;)

* * *

 

YUTO: This is the literal worst

YUGO: WHAT’S THE USE OF YOU FOLLOWING ME AROUND IF YOU DON’T FUCKING HEAL ME AND NOW THEYRE CHASING BOTH OF US COZ YOURE THE FUCKING HEALER

FUCK

YURI: Gon-chan’s impostor,

Say please and I might.

YUGO: FUCK OFF

YURI: You die like a man then.

YUTO: This is probably the most fun I had in a while

@Yuya REZ ME GODDAMN

YUGO: hahahaha you so deserved that

YUYA: I'M BUSY

I’M GONNA TEABAG THE SHIT OUT OF THIS MOFO

YUTO: Now’s the time to lower your volume and plug in your headphones berserk mode is here

YURI: Mute it is.

YUTO: Another switch – no competent healers

YUYA: YUTO IS2G

SOGNGSOSSDADNNKNAAAAH

COME

Wow just fucking wow I cant believe this noob

I’m so pissed wtffff

DIE OMG

**[Mute chat]**

* * *

 

YUGO: ggwp

YUTO: I hate this game, its mechanics and everything it stands for

YUGO: that was horrible and im not touching lds for the next three months bye forever this chat is now disbanded

ggwp more like I’ll be hearing yuya’s screams in my worst nightmares

YURI: Could’ve just said "please".

YUGO: never

…holy shit gongenzaka left the chat mid-game

YURI: Relatable.

Also I’m screening all of this lol

YUGO: and I’m hacking this bitch

YURI: Have fun in prison when they sniff you out. I heard Akaba’s merciless. Send us holiday snaps. ( ◞･౪･)

YUTO: Don’t drop the soap from your mouth

**[YUGO logged off]**

YUTO: You wanna bet in a few hours we’ll get a snap of a Monster can with a “got so mad that I went out to the forest to punch some trees” on it?

YURI: I have that one screened.~

YUTO: Everyone has that one screened

And we really do need that healer

* * *

**Private chat, October 4th**

**-**

RIN: SO i heard about your little game

seemed fun c;

YUGO: you and I have very different definitions of fun, YUZU

RIN: damn, foiled again

YUGO: don’t even try this imitation crap with me

RIN: ok, caught red-handed

YUGO: where were you even? we looked straight into Chaos’ red eyes because of your untimely disappearance and trust me, yuya hasn’t looked anyone in the eye for a solid day now

RIN: …

anyways

what do you guys say about…… FCC? ;) I mean it’s pretty fresh and you PROBABLY wont get jailed or anything so there’s that, yeah?

YUGO: do I have a choice

RIN: not really, no

YUGO: others?

RIN: down for it. crow’s recc, actually, so we’re all pretty excited

even Yuto

YUGO: hm

RIN: rin says that it’s ok to open the window and scream into the night right about now, everyone accepts your undying crush

YUGO: you know nothing, Hiiragi Yuzu

RIN: lame. Cant believe you lasted this long

uhhh downsides of FCC – lotsa grinding but hey you can challenge yuri to a duel

YUGO: this is going to be a trainwreck, I’m in


	2. quiz it

**Lancers chat, October 8 th**

** - **

 

YUZU: hi guys!

YUYA: Hey Yuzu!!!! :))

YUGO: sup

YURI: ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

YUZU: anyways since gg’s too disgusted to play with you again I brought serena ^^

SERENA: fellow gays. yugo

YUTO: Hey

YURI: Hello, fellow gay assassin. ~

YUYA: Hi!!!!

YUGO: ???

SERENA: wot?

you losers ready to gank some noobs

heard rumors that yugos been godding at lsd2

YUGO: lsd lol

SERENA: ***lds, fuckface, don’t make me come there

YUGO: can you find your way around with all that lsd in your system

YUTO: This joke is old as time, stop

YUGO: joke as old as time

meme as old as rhyme

Yuto and the Memes

YUYA: K back

Yugo almost got sniffed out by akaba hahaha

YUGO: thanks for the diversion man

YUYA: Np!! ;)))))

YUZU: i didn’t know that yuya had a talent for hacking doesn’t he like think that 300kg of steel is heavier than 300kg of feathers

YUYA: N o

**[YUTO sent steelisheavierthanfeathers.mov]**

YUYA: Please guys no >.<

That was YEARS ago

YUTO: “Which one do you pick, Sakaki?”

“It’s obviously STEEL”

Put this either on my gravestone or graduation speech. Whichever comes first

YUYA: We’re not doing this meme again pls let it go

YUTO: Never

YUGO: we will let it go after you do or say something even dumber

and even then I will recall this

YUTO: Pot and kettle

YURI: My dying words will probably be: “adopted grandkids… 60 cats and 70 succulents… Always remember the words of wisdom: it’s obviously steel that’s heavier – Sakaki Yuya 2kxx, do not steal."

YUYA: YOU'RE ADOPTING??

YURI: Fuck no, it's only here for the dramatic effect. Those goblins only eat, shit, cry, sleep and steal my tulips. So basically Yugo.

YUZU: i'm so grateful he's away atm"""

SERENA: i cant believe i haven’t seen this vid wow

YUTO: Now you know

SERENA: i’ve become enlightened

k we play a few to get a feel for the teamwork and then we can actually start. If you don’t grind I’ll kick

YUTO: Merciless

 

-

 

YUYA: rekt

YUGO: omg serena’s p op I have a feel we’re gonna make a fine team ;)))))

SERENA: You’re passable ig

but you’ll do, hugo

YUGO: MY NAME IS YUGO

SERENA: shit sorry mistyped

-

**[PRIVATE, SERENA@YUZU]**

SERENA: fuck I always thought his name’s hyugou? sakaki has serious problems with pronunciation

**-**

YUGO: we should definitely play more!? are you free tomorrow

serena oiiiiiiiiiiiiii

are u there

YURI: Are you done spamming? （；¬＿¬)

YUGO: lmao what’s ur problem it’s not like you don’t do worse

YURI: My problem is the fucking pinging going off in my ears. ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

YUGO: mute button??? exists for a reason??? if it disturbs you?

YURI: How about you go afk.

YUZU: ok guys don’t fight

YUGO: YURI started it

YURI: Fuck off, fucker.

YUGO: wow, ~someone’s~ pissy today

YUTO: Spare me the chat dramas and come over asap

 

-

 

YUGO: it’s all yuri’s fault that we fucking lost

YUTO: That’s embarrassing

YUYA: It’s ok, we’ll get it back guys ^^

SERENA: ow, right in my pride.

you did really well, Yuzu!!! i’m proud

YUZU: aww <33 ty

SERENA: <3

YURI: Why don’t you get SERENA to protect you next time yuzu enables ur fucking dps??????????

-

 

**Private chat, October 8th**

**-**

YUGO: what’s ur goddamn problem with her

YURI: Who?

YUGO: serena, asshole, don’t pretend

YURI: I have no idea what you’re talking about.（；¬＿¬)

YUGO: oh i think you do

YURI: Don’t read too much into it, analyzing social cues just isn’t for you. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

YUGO: what’s that supposed to mean

YURI: It means

We’re done here

Ttyl

**[YURI logged off]**

YUGO: weirdo

-

 

**[PRIVATE, YUGO@SERENA]**

YUGO: so how about that pvp? im in a shit mood and I need a fix

SERENA: uuh

i don’t think it’s a good idea

YUGO: what, why not?

SERENA: you’ll understand when you’re older

YUGO: what’s going on w everyone today?????

 

-

**[PRIVATE, YUTO@YUGO]**

YUTO: So. Yuri.

**[YUGO logged off]**

YUTO: Wow

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 9 th**

-

YUZU: has everyone calmed down

YUGO: i don’t know why don’t you ask YURI over there

**[ YURI changed status to "Do Not Disturb" ]**

YUGO: YOU WEENIE COME HERE AND FACE ME

what’s crawled up his ass and died

YUTO: He’s always been like that, you're just too dense to notice

YUZU: stop rage-typing, yugo, im here with a serious request

and I need everyone’s help

-

**[PRIVATE, SERENA@YUGO]**

SERENA: if you cause ANY drama in this chat today I’ll break ALL of your fingers to the point you wont ever be able to type again

here, I wasted thirty seconds of my life and found this just for you www.angerdisorders.com/breathing-exercises 

YUGO: gee thanks

-

YUTO: I’ll try to help you if I can

YUYA: Me too!!! ^^

YUGO: …………me three ig

YUZU: and you call urself my bff

YUGO: PROCEED, PLEASE

YUZU: oh uh ok. i got an assignment for character design 101 and they requested fantasy rpg designs. we’re free to pick whatever classes we want but I decided to make it a little more fun

how do you feel about quizzes?

YUYA: Ew but what’s it gonna be like? :oo

YUZU: found a cool “which rpg class are you” quiz on the internet so basically just answer the questions and tell me what you’ll get and I’ll design outfits for you! i get to do my hw and you get to have neat designs

YUYA: Ohhhhh sounds super fun, link

**[YUZU sent a link]**

YUYA: Niceee

YUTO: Uh what would you describe me as

YUGO: a pain in my ass

YUTO: Har har

YUYA: I think collected suits you! ^^

YUZU: i’d say charming

YUTO: …I’m not though?

YUYA: You totally are!! ^^

YUTO: …

Thank you

YUGO: yeah ur not lol

YUYA: YUGO >A<

YUGO: lol i says it how i sees it

YUTO: The questions on this thing are so fucking lame

"What kind of girlfriend do you prefer?" Well, one with a dick and dark, luscious hair, preferably

YUGO: obviously you prefer punks at 175 cm that listen to mcr unironically, name starts with shun ends with kurosaki

YUTO: Oh wow it’s almost as though we have the same person in mind

Does shun know that you know his height

YUGO: Does shun know about your crush on him

YUTO: I’ll be good

YUGO: thought so

YUYA: I got bard!!!! It says I’m a great entertainer :)))))))))

YUTO: You’re already barding irl so this quiz might not be so bad

“Would punch a blind guy and take his coins” im fucking wheezing who wrote the answers on this thing seriously

YUZU: Just do the test????

YUTO: Out of curiosity, what’d you get

YUZU: Wizard! Serena got warrior

YUTO: How unexpected

YUGO: pv for the design if you started?

YUZU: no

-

**[PRIVATE, YUZU @YUTO and YUYA]**

[YUZU sent image]

YUYA: Ohhhh this looks so beautiful! Cant wait to see mine!! :)

YUTO: Could be gayer

Make it so that your hands are cradling her face, it’d look nicer

YUZU: hm I think youre right

-

YUGO: k so I got knight

YUYA: Niceee

Yuto?

YUTO: Necromancer

YUGO: edge

YUTO: Cliché

YUGO: you got me

can I have a huge shield in my design??

YURI: And a long sword, undoubtedly. For compensation purposes. ;))

YUGO: oh look who FINALLY decided to show up

YUYA: Hi!

YURI: Hello.

YUZU: did you check the chat? if you did the quiz what did you get?

YURI: I didn’t do this quiz yet, but I finally found out who my K-pop oppa is, what sort of fruit I am and what my spirit animal is. ~

Needless to say I ended up at the weird part of quizpro.

YUYA: Link EVERYTHING TO ME

YUTO: Are we seriously doing this

YUGO: sure why not

YUZU: you guys hf, I’m gonna go back to work

ttyl

YUTO: Hey yugo

This is for you

**[YUTO sent link]**

YUGO: what the fuck is this

YUTO: Just do the quiz man

YUGO: …I got switch

YUTO: Same

YUYA: Same

YURI: ……Hardcore top. (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

YUYA: What did you even have to choose to get that???

YURI: I have a lot of kinks apparently. The more you know.

YUTO: Tmi

What did you pick on “your partner is on aphrodisiacs and is begging you to fuck them in a very alluring way”

YUGO: KAY IM LEAVING BEFORE IT GETS TOO WEIRD

**[YUGO logged off]**

YURI: So what did YOU pick?

YUYA: I’m too embarrassed to answer that >A<

YURI: Heh weak.

YUTO: The third option

YURI: I don't even remember what that was.

YUTO: Exactly


	3. everybody was kung fu fighting

**Lancers chat, October 10** ** th **

** - **

YUYA: GUYS

hlep me

YUGO: does it involve fighting and if so, do I need to punch someone

YUYA: No????

YURI: I am reluctantly listening.

YUYA: There’s this girl in my drama class and she has a crush on me or something and i've been trying to get her off my back for weeks now but she doesn’t get it and im out of options

Pls suggestions? >A<

YUZU: you’re probably too obscure with your rejection?? try to be less nice

YUYA: But that’s not nice :T

YUZU: my point right here

YUTO: Hey everyone remember when this chat was for gaming nights alone? Those were the days

What straight drama shall befall us TODAY and not from yugo for once. Which is admittedly shocking

YUYA: Yuto, you already know everything so you don’t have to stick around???

YUTO: To quote Yuzu: my point right here

YUYA: Weren’t you supposed to hit lucy’s for new strings today? :T

YUTO: I was avoiding it but I’ll take you up on that offer. Need anything?

YUYA: Other than a new tuner and a better capo?

YUTO: Bye

YUYA: Rude

YUGO: k so what did you try so far

YUYA: Uh

Other than everything???

YUGO: oh man, sounds like a keeper this one

YUYA: But im not interested!!!

YUZU: we know

we’re a bunch of gays flocking together. fate has brought us together

no offense, yugo. we need a token straight

YUGO: none taken, I’m ur guy

YUZU: lol

YUYA: But im ace T~T

YUZU: shhhh

don’t spoil the moment

YUYA: Lmao ok?

YURI: I went ahead and made myself a nice batch of popcorn the moment I read the words “straight drama”. Doesn’t seem like I missed anything of grave importance.

Is this girl… very persistent?

YUYA: I’d say so. Like I’m pretty sure that she goes out of her way just to board the same bus as I do and rides with me to MY stop

YUGO: restraining orders exist

YURI: I see. Alright, so you should talk it out next time you meet. Tell her that you aren’t interested and if she keeps on persisting, wait for her after class and then kill her. uwu

YUZU: leeet’s stick with restraining orders

YUGO: found someone who spent their night locked in their basement watching cop dramas

YURI: Guilty as charged. ( ◞･౪･) Those supposed homicidal maniacs are nothing. If I had to plan out a massacre, I’d make it way more… appropriate.

Like, if you’re going to murder someone at least have fun while you're at it. (*^▽^*)

YUGO: the most important rule of friendly murder: hf and be urself

i’ll keep those words in mind when I get to testify against you at court

YURI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

YUYA: How’d it go from simple advice to murder tips

Why’d I even ask ANY of you for advice?

None of us have a stable romantic relationship going on!

agh

YUZU: true

but it’s the thought that counts

YUYA: I’m leaving with yuto!!! >:I

**[YUYA logged off]**

YUZU: god be gracious

YUGO: poor yoot

no, but seriously, yu, just tell her outright that it’s not going to work out. it’s the only way to roll.

YURI: Sounds inconsiderate.

YUGO: could be. but you always have to be clear with your feelings.

YURI: Wow, you actually sound like someone who spent years in a relationship! ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

YUGO: good. therefore I’m the love guru among you losers, all of your questions should be directed to me first

YURI: Aight, I got one. Dear Love Guru, will you ever get laid?

YUGO: my sweet summer child, I think you already know the answer to that question

YURI: ( ಠ益ಠ)

I played myself, also you’re disgusting.

YUGO: ;)

YUZU: FIRST OF ALL tmi

SECOND, it's not playing yourself if you rephrase. i think he meant a GUY by it

YUGO: oh. well, here's the answer: only when pigs fly or Yuri finally stops being a sarcastic prick

aka never

YURI: Allegedly I stop being a prick.

What then? ;)

YUGO: If you allegedly stop being a prick, then I jump the nearest one in general vicinity

YURI: Almost tempted to quit it so I can stand on the sidelines and laugh at your misery. But tormenting you is way more fun.

YUGO: i feel so loved

YURI: <3

YUGO: no

YURI: </3

* * *

 

YUTO: So guess what

The mystery girl apparently works at lucy’s

Yuya got so pale it was hilarious

She’s a fan of ours that’s why she’s pursuing him

YUZU: oh damn one of those

YUGO: i didn’t think you were popular enough to get THOSE fans

YUTO: Neither did I tbh

You live and you learn ig

YUZU: so what happened

YUTO: Well since yuya turned complete chickenshit and hid behind guitar cases while I was busying myself with picking out the strings, I basically went up to her and well

Don’t think she’ll be coming to hear us play anytime soon

YUZU: delinquent blood still runs in your veins

YUTO: I only told her to quit it and gave her a stinkeye. She seemed to understand me alright

YUZU: your stinkeyes could bring an army to their knees

YUTO: Years of practice

It’s what you get for being the older sibling. Yuya cries, I bruise noses, we all go home

YUZU: but I still think it’s for the best

YUTO: Yuya doesn’t. I haven’t seen him inhale a pineapple ice cream bucket this fast since we were eight and he had his tonsils removed

YUGO: oh man I hope he recovers

YUTO: He’s gonna mope around for approximately two more days give or take

YUZU: do I come over with some chow mein

YUTO: I think you’d do a better job at consoling him

I’m at a loss of words tbh

YUGO: as always

YUTO: Yeah like you would have anything to say to a guy who’s upset about telling off someone he doesn’t even know

YUGO: more than you apparently

YUTO: Be my guest

I’m too old for this

YUGO: you’re 19

YUTO: Too. Old. For. This.

YURI: How about we ALL come over and have a sleepover afterwards? Movie night. o(^▽^)o

YUZU: gratuitous jackie chan movies here we come

YUGO: yuya’s comfort cinematography

SERENA: i heard the word sleepover and came as fast as i could

it sounds like a good idea. i mean it is friday?

YUGO: i’ll drop by after work then

SERENA: same

YURI: Yuzu, we can go and get some Chinese takeout together? (〃･ω･)

YUZU: UH

i have to be somewhere

i’ll get it later bye for now!

YURI: I can’t believe she’s still scared of me. You put a frog on a woman’s head once and then you’re shunned for the rest of your life.

YUGO: she’s AFRAID of frogs you ignorant fuck

YURI: It’s a good thing that she doesn’t know about the time I let a frog into her room then. (〃･ω･)

YUZU: WHAT

YURI: (〃･ω･)(〃･ω･)(〃･ω･)

See you guys at 7!

YUZU: EXPLAIN YOURSELF

**[YURI logged off]**

YUZU: YURI YOU SON OF A BITCH

YUGO: get ‘em get ‘em

* * *

 

**[New message: from pogobogo]**

_we already went through like two movies and im starting to think that i cant handle any more jackie chan. nor is yuya feeling any better. hes gonna get sick from that ice cream._

Agreed.

Why are you texting me though?

_because everyone else seems to be into it so i dont wanna ruin their fun by disturbing them??_

_look at yuto, hes basically drooling_

Well, Jackie Chan has a dong and luscious hair.

Check and check. Type.

_lol_

_omg_

_did you just actually laugh at your own joke_

No.

_you totally did_

You’re seeing things, greaser nerd.

_god i wish. your face looks weird when you smile, i cant unsee now_

YOUR face is weird.

_well YOUR MOMMA_

Are we doing this right now. And really. This is the best you can do?

_pass_

_also_

_serena is looking at us all nasty_

She’s probably imagining that she’s on a date with Yuzu but we’re constantly pulling her out of her fantasies with our snickering.

_dully noted_

_hey you maybe wanna go out?_

Oh my, how sudden~

_no not like that_

_forget it_

_i mean do you wanna go OUTSIDE? like go to the store and get something to drink maybe coz i need it if i wanna handle more kung fu_

Sit here squished between a sobbing Yuya and Serena, or go with you…. Hmmm, tough choice.

_are you in or are you out dweeb_

Let’s go.

* * *

 

**[New message: from Serena J.]**

_Uh where tf are you? Everyone’s beginning to get worried_

outside

_Where’s yuri?_

how would I know

_You literally left together_

_Is this one of those forest episodes_

_Are you punching trees together_

_Or are you punching his mouth with your mouth_

why does that come up first instead of “mouth against fist”

_What sort of kinks_

?

_Nvm_

_Anyways you’re gonna come back or?_

ye

brought booze

_Oh thank god I cant handle any more of this movie crap_

i thought you were into it

_You thought wrong_

now i regret not asking you to join me

_I have a professional poker face._

_Also I think bonding will do you good_

“bonding”

oh honey this is no bonding, trust me

_(not ur honey, never call me that again)_

_I kinda feel coz uh_

_/Yuri/_

_Who would willingly ask him to tag along_

_Nvm I see one fool_

and none for you

_Bitch_

youd be cuter if you cursed less

_Bitch boy say what_

_I'm not here to be cute im here to dominate_

_Alpha_

dominate your tech next time instead of asking me to come along and bring you 10 km worth of cables

btw pls invest in better equipment, im breaking my nails on your speakers every single time

_And who’d bring yuya home then?_

kurosaki??? if he stopped making doe eyes at yuto for like one second?

_Never gonna happen_

tru

* * *

 

 

**[New message, from: not hyugou]**

_this was a bad idea_

Great idea

Why are you texting me gdi

_i dunno probs since ur the person i last talked to so i just buttsmashed_

Ur smashed also

_haha_

_ye_

Same

_why you lie on truth or dare_

Coz I’m not a fucking idiot

I can see that yuto is sober and probably memorizing everything we say

Yuri has his phone out. Hes not even hiding it

You think I’d willingly say that I thought of kissing yuzu

_but you diiiiiiiid think of it_

Almost as much as you thought about kissing yuri

_aka never_

_ye_

Sure

Snorts

_what is it with yall and your obsession_

_i feel constantly attacked_

Idk bro you just have this tension going on its keeps everyone on their toes, breath batted

We’re constantly thinking "what’s next"

_nothing_

_??_

Boo

Lame

Why do you hate him so much

_once upon a time i met a boy named yuri. we were fifteen. we played hide and seek with yuyu’s little cousins and he was the guy who went back home mid-game. i hated him since. also he nerfed my shirt it was cold that day_

_also do you really need a proper reason to dislike him like seriously_

_look me in the eye and say it_

_NOT OUT LOUD GDI_

Shrugsgsgsg

You gotta admit tho. He fine.

_aint u gay_

I have functioning eyes.

_hm maybe if you put a bag over his head_

You look so alike it’s like insulting yourself

_WE LOOK NOTHING ALIKE_

I mean yeah he looks like a thirteen year old next to your jock ass but

The face

It’s a mystery

_you and yuzu could pass as sisters_

You disgust me

_think before you speak then i might not_

You wanna bet he’ll be all over you by the end of it

_in your dreams_

* * *

 

**[New message, from: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]**

_In my dreams, yeah?_

**[ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) sent an attachment “awwwadowable.png”]**

whuht

when was this

who is this i think yuri changed my contacts again

whoever u r bring me meds

_Bring your ass downstairs and get them yourself. Everyone’s waiting. Yuya’s making bacon pancakes._

i can smell that monstrosity all the way here

this is photoshopped

FAKE

_Why cant you just accept the fact that Yuri cuddled up to you in his sleep and you cuddled back._

did yuzu type this

_Hello_

bye

_The proof is that Yuri woke up first, saw you and bolted out_

_Yuto says he heard him throwing up on the sidewalk_

_Man he must really be disgusted by this predicament_

naturally

…im not that repulsive am i?

serena? yuzu?

hey

ugh

wait imma wash up

* * *

**[New message, from: pogobogo]**

did you get home alright?

yuri?

are you gonna reply anytime today or

ignoring me?

fine, forget i even asked :I

* * *

**[New message, from: Yuri]**

_If there are any pics of what happened last night, delete them all. Right now._

Or else?

_You don’t want to go down that road._

Apologize to Yuzu for being a terrible human being and I might consider it

_And that will cure her phobias how?_

It won’t. But it sure as hell will make me feel better.

_Did you text him anything shady?_

None of your business.

_I hate you with all my hate._

Xoxo


	4. jealousy thy name is hippo

**Lancers chat, October 11** ** th **

-

 

YURI: Are we still doing the quiz thing? (ﾟヘﾟ)？

YUZU: of course! yours is the only one missing

YURI: Mine is…

Guess. ( ◞･౪･)

YUGO: is "avoidant douche" a class because I’m feeling it

YURI: I was asleep AND sick, so get off my back, you inconsiderate tool. (◔_◔)

YUYA: Assassin! :DD

YURI: Because I main one? Really, Yuya?

YUYA: No

Well sorta

It just suits you in general??

YURI: Close but not close enough.~

YUZU: well the heroes and warriors are out of question

YURI: You’re absolutely correct.

YUYA: Gasppppp

Could it be…

YURI: ?

YUYA: You’re a cleric?

YURI: Are you joking.

YUYA: Haha yeaaaaah…

YUGO: “and he was not, in fact, joking”

YUYA: Shut uuup omg

YURI: Okay, here’s a riddle for you:

Sneaks up from behind, slits your throat and steals your stuff.

The answer is? ☜(˚▽˚)☞

YUGO: you just described yourself

YUYA: Thief ^^

YURI: Yes, thief.

/Of course/ I steal for a living, what made you think otherwise?

YUYA: What was the last thing you stole??? 

YUTO: My soda

YURI: Don’t spoil the game.

YUTO: It’s not a game if it's a fact

YURI: I steal hearts. ɾ⚈▿⚈ɹ

YUGO: o h

o h so that’s how it’s going to be

here’s one

can’t steal something that's been willingly given

YUYA: OhhhHHHHHHH

YUTO: Holy fuck

YUZU: it’s real

YURI: I.

Alright.

Are you from heaven? Because that pick up line died 19 years ago along with your mortal flesh.

YUTO: He’s from hell, clearly

Corpse fucker

YUGO: said the Necromancer

hmmm

do you believe in love at first sight?

YURI: No no, keep on walking, far away from me. The further the better. ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

YUGO: you didn’t even let me finish!!!

YURI: ;)

YUGO: IS this an innuendo?

YURI: Nah, but I’m glad that you’re finally learning. ( ◞･౪･)

YUGO: i’ve become impure

YUTO: Before you start making out with your laptops, how’s your hw project coming along, yuzu?

YUZU: pretty nicely, actually

i think I like yuya’s design the best though

the rest were hard. i’m not really good at drawing armor :/

YUGO: did you draw mine yet?

YUZU: no

YUGO: well, when you do make me FIGHT YURI

YURI: And make it so that I am dealing the finishing blow. uwu

YUGO: no

YURI: Yes. ~~

YUTO: Make it so both of them are killing each other

YUYA: Make them hold hands :P

YUZU: i like Yuya’s idea the best so far

holding hands it is

YUGO: at least handcuff a thief to a knight you asshole

YURI: Your kinkiness never ceases to amaze me. ~ And concern me simultaneously.

YUGO: yeah like ur not into gross things

YUTO: Can you actually back up your statement, mr. I forget to delete my internet history

YUGO: I

what

YURI: Ohhh.

YUYA: Oh dude

Sick ><

I remember

YUGO: YOU LOOKED??

YUTO: Look, it wasn’t our intention we just needed to send a mail really fast and find some Instagram accounts

Yuri accidentally clicked it

YUGO: “accidentally”

YUTO: Are you seriously into that

YUGO: I’VE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

I DELETE MY SHIT!!!!!!! IF IT WAS IN MY HISTORY IT MEANS THAT I ONLY LOOKED IT UP COZ I WAS EITHER CURIOUS OR DIDNT KNOW WHAT A CERTAIN TERM MEANS

YURI: That’s what they call it these days?

YUGO: i hate all of you omg

YUZU: xoxo

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 12th**

**-**

 

YUTO: So today shun and ruri are going on their monthly mall trip to find new crap for their flat

YUGO: and we care why?

YUTO: And I guess I’m being forced to tag along

And I’m not ready to spend the rest of my day babysitting yuya at ikea

Last time he found some dumb hippo pillow and bought like five

Five

LIKE I SHIT YOU NOT

YUZU: i love them they’re so cute

YUTO: Because you see them like twice a month

I think they’re evil actually

Yuya’s down for me faking an illness to get off the hook

YUZU: you’re actually passing up the chance to go on a smoothie date with shun who are you even

YUTO: No you don’t /understand/

You do not go shopping with ruri kurosaki. You simply do not. You see her coming at you with three shopping bags? You get up and /sprint/ in the other direction as fast as you can and pray that her track team legs wear out before yours do

She will take you to all the stores man

And she will put on /all/ of the clothes

And then she will change her clothes twenty times

And she will finally decide that nothing suits her because your reaction is ingenuine and she /will/ drag you to the next store. By force

YUZU: you spend just as long picking out tools and looking at guitars so I think it’s a fair trade

YUTO: /I/ don’t think so

YUZU: i think you could easily avoid this destiny if you bothered to fake positive emotions every once in a while

YUTO: I always do but it’s never enough

YUZU: 1 mm forced lip quirk doesn’t work on ANYONE yuto

YUTO: It’s the best I can do

It’s not my fault that my face is stuck like that

I love ruri, I really do, but my energy is more important today

How do I convince them that I’m not feeling alright

YUZU: well, first of all, shun’s gonna drag you out regardless

YUZU: because he doesn’t like suffering alone and he can’t chase yuya around at the ikea and treat ruri to cute clothes at the same time

YUTO: Fair point

YUZU: but I mean you can always lie

in a convincing way

if you're heartless enough to disappoint them

like

don’t sleep for a full day and trust me you will look like shit tomorrow morning

YUTO: Guilt trip aside, I’m taking down notes, continue

YUGO: punch yourself in the face for convincing black eyes

YUTO: How about I punch YOU in the face

YUZU: if you take up yugo’s /shit advice/ at least ask a friend for some assistance. ask them to punch hard enough for it to look convincing

YUGO: see? i’m your guy

YURI: Fight, fight, fight. ( ᐛ )و

YUTO: Meet me outside, coward

YUZU: i thought that your philosophy is “no fighting” nowadays

YUTO: My one and only exception

YUGO: aw yuto, i feel so honored. <3 i’ll punch you extra hard for that

YUTO: Cant tell if hes being serious still

YUGO: i'm always serious

YURI: Get your own. (￣ー￣)

YUTO: ?

* * *

 

 

**[PRIVATE, YUZU@YUGO]**

YUZU: what sort of fucking idiot are you!?

i cant believe you actually fought

YUGO: he invited me for a tussle, i couldn’t decline

YUZU: is your man-pride that fragile!? >:T

when are you two going to put your dumb differences aside??? it’s getting REALLY ANNOYING.

ruri is really pissed, avoid her for a few weeks or she will unleash the wrath of hell

not like you don't deserve it or anything

YUGO: thanks for the advice but I can take her

YUZU: that’s not what I

oh my GOD

you’re hopeless

why are you fighting all the time???

YUGO: high school rivalries last a lifetime, bruh

YUZU: apologize to him

YUGO: ??????????? he should apologize to ME also hey look I helped him out now ruri wont take his ugly, bruised ass out to the public

YUZU:

you fucking child

this needs to stop

do it or /I/ will do it for you

YUGO: don’t you dare

YUZU: watch me, banana boy

-

 

**[PRIVATE, YURI@YUGO]**

YURI: SO.

Is it true that you duked it out with Yuto?

YUGO: who snitched

YURI: No one, I simply /knew/ that you were dumb enough to go through with this.

Also I’m fucking crying.

This is the best day of my life. Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

YUGO: you done?

YURI: Maybe.~

Who won? ヾ(｡･ω･)ｼ

YUGO: kurosaki

YURI: Yikes, that bad, huh. (ﾉ･ｪ･)ﾉ

YUGO: don’t speak to me. just don’t

YURI: You’re one fucking huge buzzkill, you know that, right?

 

-

**[PRIVATE YUTO@YUGO]**

YUTO: Before yuzu writes

YUGO: look before yuzu says something dumb

YUTO: Oh

YUGO: uh

YUTO: You first

YUGO: why me????

YUTO: Because

YUGO: what’s your problem with me

YUTO: I don’t have a problem with you specifically

Not anymore at least

I mean I kinda used to

Like you were a dick back at hs

YUGO: /I/ was a dick!?

YUTO: There we go again

YUGO: sighs

ok

you were always really aggressive so of course I would come at you??

YUTO: Lmao it’s funny to hear you say that seeing that you would literally push me into the lockers like some jock nerd

YUGO: /only/ because you would get snappy with me. you were an asshole

YUTO: I’m not an asshole actually, not to the people who are nice to me. Also I was like half of your height and you were star athlete lmao no shit I would get snappy it’s not like I could win in a fistfight

YUGO: why not? you throw mean punches

YUTO: I

Uh thanks ig?

YUGO: i’m dead serious

like

you could’ve easily kicked my ass I think

i was a noodle and you were this small beefcake with a babyface

yuzu would unironically call me twinkman btw

YUTO: You still are tbh

YUGO: food is a problem

YUTO: I know. Not blaming you or anything

YUGO: i

ok

this is awkward

YUTO: Yep

Also this is probably the most decent conversation we’ve ever had

YUGO: ye

………uh let’s forget this ever happened also truce??

YUTO: Truce

-

 

 

YUGO: yuto is my bff now

YUTO: Piss off

YUGO: he bought me my favorite crackers as a peace offering

YUTO: I didn’t

YUGO: bluhbluh “”””””I didn’t”””” I’m a big softie bluh

YURI: Get your own. :/

YUGO: STOP SAYING THAT

-

 

YUYA: Holy shit guys

So

We didn’t really have the time to go through all of the mall because there’s some sort of fashion week nonsense going on in the main hall

YUTO: I’m regretting not going now

YUYA: BUT

Drum roll pls ^^

YUTO: I'm no longer regretting

YUYA: I just found the best thrift shop ever and let me tell you it’s AWESOMESAUCE

YUTO: My myspace acc flashed before my eyes never say that word again

YUGO: you had a ms acc?

YURI: He did. uwu

YUTO: Fuck off, Satan, everyone knows I did. You’re the one who leaked it.

YURI: I guess I am. (ﾉ^∇^)ﾉﾟ

So what sort of cheap knick-knacks did you find?

YUGO: yuri??? is interested??? in non-designer things??? is the world coming to an end

call me the devil of gucci coz only bitches wear prada

not a king and definitely not a seductive persona

YURI: You’re a lie.

YUGO: no, you

YUYA: That store’s got everything I bought so many things

Like

There’s a section for vintage toys right

YUTO: I don’t like where this is going

YURI: Intrigued.

YUYA: And there I found a BUNCH of pink hippos with questionable tutus

And the best part is – I bought THREE

YUTO: …

I’m not gonna ask about anything you just wrote in that sentence

Also I’m moving out

Have fun with your tutu monstrosities

YUYA: Ehh??? 'A' Why would you even say this to me

It’s ok my hippos, uncle yuto didn’t mean it

YUTO: I did

YUYA: Shuddup

I think they’re cute

YUTO: You’re delusional

YUGO: no, they actually are, dude. rin owns a few, they’re nice to sleep on

YURI: The origins of those hippos elude me.

YUGO: did you not have a childhood

YURI: You and I had different tastes apparently because I wouldn’t be caught dead watching something with pink hippos.

YUGO: you were an asshole back in the day too it seems

YURI: Clearly.

YUTO: Yuya was fucking obsessed with hippo and the carnival (a kids’ tv show btw) and we had so much merch. Dad would shake his wallet whenever yuya saw that shit

YUYA: Oh it’s not like you didn’t have your boltron phase yuto!!! >:(((((((((((((((((((((

YUGO: you had a boltron phase? shit me too

YUYA: I said nothing about your smelly giant robots so you don’t get to be mean to my hippos

YUTO: You didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night with three hippos staring at you with glassy, unseeing eyes

YURI: Is that a casual display of weakness I smell?

YUTO: No??

YURI: Sounds fake but okay.~ :v

YUTO: Though im not lying about the whole moving out thing

YUZU: what

you’re leaving?/?

YUGO: we were just starting to get along

YURI: Good luck on your journey! Feel free to never come back! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

YUTO: Don’t get you hopes up too early

I was going to tell you all sooner or later

YUYA: You had to tell /me/ at the worst time too

YUTO: You still think about that chick

YUYA: No >A<

YUTO: So whats the problem

YUYA: Um other than the fact that you’re leaving me?

YUTO: You should be glad. You’ll have the room all to yourself

YUYA: But I don’t want that

YUZU: It’s not like he doesn’t spend all of his free time at kurosakis’ either way

YUTO: Ruri and shun are looking for a roommate and I thought sure why not I mean I make my own cash

Mom and dad were cool with it. Mom seems eager to kick me out if i'm honest

YUYA: KEEP THAT SLANDER AWAY

YUTO: Yuzu’s dad is still crying

YUZU: WHAT. DAD TOLD ME NOTHING

YUTO: He didn’t want to upset you

YUGO: so you’re moving in with shun? married life already

ruri’s gonna cockblock but

YUTO: I would NEVER think of ruri as some sort of obstacle

YUGO: why not marry both

YUTO: MAYBE I WILL

YUGO: MAYBE YOU SHOULD

YUTO: YOU WANNA GO AGAIN

YUGO: IM READY

FISTS RAISED

COME AT ME

YUZU: STOP

YUGO: :I

YUYA: Anyways shuuzo keeps crying

The empty nest syndrome is hitting him hard and yuto’s not even his kid

He always did have hopes that he and yuzu would one day hook up. We had this love triangle going on in kindergarten. :)) Except there was less romance and more sand throwing

YUTO: No offense, but I wouldn’t marry you. But I can still be your best man?

YUZU: none taken and yes

YUYA: /I’M/ THE BEST MAN DDDDDD:

YUTO: You can be the ring bearer

YUYA: NO

YUGO: i just wanna catch the bouquet and eat at a buffet

and like not set up your band's equipment for once

YURI: I think there's a "no dogs allowed" rule at the reception.

YUGO: great, that means you wont be around

YUYA: AHEM AHEM

Back to the topic

YURI: Crying people, my favorite.

YUYA: It was kinda sweet at first…. Now it’s just annoying

YUZU: i’ll set dad straight. he won’t bother you anymore.

YUYA: Be gentle

YUZU: i make no promises

YUYA: It's gonna be pretty hard to hide your feelings when shun’s around all the time

YUGO: it’s not like they weren’t basically living together up to this point

YURI: Send me blackmail material. ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

I don't have enough dirt on your giraffe bae.

YUTO: I would never

YURI: I’d make it worth your while~?

YUTO: See yourself out of this chatroom and never return

YUGO: seconded

YURI: Get your own. :/

YUGO: OMG STOP

YUTO: I still don’t understand

YUZU: yuri

YURI: What?

YUZU: don’t

YURI: Boo.


	5. roses are red, violets are blue and i h8 u

**Lancers chat, October 16** ** th **

** - **

 

YUZU: i heard about what happened from yuya are you okay??

YUGO: yeah

i'm back home, finally

rin’s been hitting me with books for over fifteen minutes now

at least they're /books/ this time so I’d say that I’m doing pretty good

they’re NEVER going to catch the mysterious rider of the night

YUTO: They just did

You sound like some sort of vigilante

YUGO: fingerguns I do, don’t i

pretty cool huh??

YUTO: I’d say yes but you're constantly putting yuya in danger

So fuck no

Also this is stopping right now

He can take a bus back home like any other person

YUGO: but the busses are few and far in-between during night time

YUTO: He. Can. Wait.

YUYA: Holy shit yugo you’re here!!!!!!!!!!!

Did they treat you alright? 'n'

YUGO: oh yeah you bet the prison floor felt like heaven. a five-star hotel. would recommend

YUTO: You didn’t even go to prison, jackass, there’s a difference

YUGO: tell me all about it, juvie

YUZU: you should be GLAD that wasn’t prison do you have any idea what would happen to your future if you ended up there. you wouldn’t be in COLLEGE right now

YUGO: damn. i should go break some more minor laws then

YUZU: yugo!!

YUGO: hello?

YUZU: you’re so ugh

YUGO: so what

YUZU: NEVER MIND

yuya, stop taking rides with this guy

YUYA: Um

YUZU: no ‘um’

do it, stupid

YUTO: I’m gonna exert the dwindling remains of my older sibling authority and tell you this: don’t do it again

YUGO: what’s the worst that can happen?

holding, part 2?

we were only speeding a little

YUYA: And running away from the cops >_>

YUGO: and running away from the cops, yes, but no more than that. nobody got hurt

YUZU: you should be GLAD that it wasn’t your bike or they would’ve caught you and you’d be in even more trouble than you are right now

YUGO: yuzu, I borrowed SHINJI’S bike do you seriously think it can get worse than this

he refused to pay bail for 24 hours to teach me a lesson

i’m to work at the auto repair until I pay off my debts. full time on weekends. i won’t be seeing the daylight anytime soon.

rin is currently picking up a HEAVY dictionary

i think I can handle some bars and creaky mattresses

YUZU: i know that /you/ can but don’t you drag yuya into this

YUGO: you don’t get to decide that

YUYA

YUYA: ye?

YUGO: do you want me to stop coming over after your gigs to bring you back home?

YUYA: Um

YUZU: yuya think very carefully about what you’re going to say next

YUYA: Well

YUZU: YUYA

YUYA: If you… drive at a normal speed, I’ll be ok

YUZU: good boy

YUGO: "normal speed"? pft lame

where’s the fun in that

YUZU: there’s nothing LAME about safety

YUYA: It’s not like I can use a safety belt or anything so you know… yuzu has a point :////

YUGO: you wouldn’t have to use a goddamn safety belt if you properly hugged me around the waist instead of clawing at the seat

SERENA: he’s right you know

YUZU: don’t encourage him

SERENA: i’m sorry, sugar

YUZU: i forgive you

YURI: Whipped.

YUTO: He appears

YUGO: fetch me my cross and holy water

YURI: Tell me if it works. So far they’re seemingly ineffective. ( ◞･౪･)

Also I have finally scored a bingo and I have to thank you for that, Pogo. ( ᐛ )و

YUGO: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME

SERENA: a bingo?

for what?

YURI: The one I made for the compulsive crap our dear road rage does.

YUTO: I was so close too

YUZU: you too!?

YUTO: My last one was ‘ticket for speeding’

You rigged it, there’s no way he’d get that before going along with the cops

YURI: Whoops. (　＾∇＾)

But you did cross out a lot, right?

YUTO: Mh

YURI: Before you get concussed, I must inform you that I happened to run into Crow and he’s VERY pissed. He also found out about your nightly escapades with Yuya, so good luck dealing with that too.~~

YUGO: YOU TOLD HIM!?

YUYA: HE FORCED ME TO SPIT IT OUT >A<

YUGO: YOU DOOMED ME

WELL SEEMS LIKE IT’S A FAREWELL GUYS BECAUSE I WON’T BE JOINING YOU FOR GAMESD;V

YURI: Points to Rin, I believe.

SERENA: i want in on the bingo too

YURI: I’ll send you a new sheet then. ~

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 18 th**

 -

YUGO: day 2 of forced high-intensity physical labor: oh god I want to Die

YUTO: Stop being so dramatic it’s only day two

YUGO: dude

i’m pretty sure that I get the amount of work of shinji, damon, crow and me combined

crow and shinji might as well simply pack their bags, put on hawaiian shirts and hit the islands for the honeymoon that never was

and leave me, the unwilling Cinderella, to kneel on a bed of bolts and fix smelly cars aged more than fifty

half of this shit is so rusted that I don’t want to get near it. and the clients want like only one part fixed which is pretty sad and concerning coz they’re probably going to end up in an accident. how do they get their technicals legally approved of

are they even legal

yesterday I tried to fix this one dude’s brakes and everything nearly fell apart upon contact

i know that some clients are cheap but

YURI: Is there a point to all of this shitpost liveblogging or are you just looking for someone to pretend to be your fairy godmother?

YUGO: has it ever crossed your mind that maybe JUST MAYBE I just wanna share my pain with my friends without having any ulterior motives in mind

(ofc if anyone wants to offer their help I highly appreciate it)

YURI: I’m not even going to start pointing out the flaws in your logic.

This is a game-related chat despite the off-topic chats we've been having as of late.

Do you see what I’m doing here?

YUGO: oh boy do I

it's ok fam i gotchu

**[YUGO renamed the chatroom to “shitposters”]**

YUGO: better?

YURI: Why do I even put up with you all? (◔_◔)

YUGO: because you actually like us

YURI: :’DDDDDDD

* * *

 

YUTO: Who the fuck renamed this

Why am I not surprised

Found your prince yet?

YUGO: no

i think

i found a princess though

**[YUGO sent a file “treasures_ found_while_sweeping_the_floor.png]**

YUYA: Oh whats this??? O____O

YUGO: beats me

YURI: It’s clearly a flower, you nimrods.

It’s a gerbera daisy.

YUGO: i can tell it’s a huge ass daisy without your unnecessary, extensive gardening knowledge, asshole

YURI: GERBERA.

YUZU: it’s so lovely <3

where’d you find it exactly?

YUGO: at the entrance to the garage, as always. it’s probably for shinji or something. every damn day i'm sweeping up these small piles of phone numbers and whatnot. never saw a flower though

i’m pretty sure every girl in the neighbourhood has the hots for him

too bad he’s married

YUZU: not literally

YUGO: still. pretty married

YUZU: i agree actually

what are you going to do with it?

YUGO: throw it away probs. shinji’s allergic. kinda ironic since he has that whole dad bee thing going on. plus there’s no place for a flower here

YUYA: Nooo, don’t throw it away! >A<

YUZU: it’s like soiling someone’s feelings

YUGO: you can drop by and take it if you want to. it would complement the color of your hair too

YUZU: i’m not putting it in my hair

YUGO: you’d look less like a scary strong woman and more cute! like rin!

maybe I should bring it to rin

she’ll like it :)

YUZU: I’M CUTE

YUTO, TELL HIM I’M CUTE

YUTO: What?

Oh

You’re still on about this

Yeah you’re cute

YUGO: he’s lying

YUTO: I do not lie

YUGO: see? lied just now. ur good

YUZU: i’m coming over right now AND NOT FOR THE FLOWER, BUCKO

YUGO: i have a broom

and I’m not afraid to use it

* * *

 

**[New message, from: yugo :*]**

_cut your nails gdi you beast_

Don’t call me names and you wont have to deal with my nails

What did they say about the flower?

_shinji sneezed on it and told me to get back to work_

_and crow said to keep it on the windowsill because its nice and brightens up the atmosphere_

_so i guess im keeping it to ward off shinji_

_if he cant come in here, he cant tell me to work some more_

Solid plan, actually

_hell yeah_

_k i gtg see u tomorrow_

See ya

_< 3_

Such sweet love displays from someone who was just complaining about the scratches on their nose

_im gonna change my mind_

:p

 

-

 

You think this flower means anything?

_ofc not. its probably a gift from some unknown fan who didnt bother to do research_

* * *

 

**Shitposters chat, October 23 rd**

** - **

**[YUYA renamed the chatroom to “Lancers”]**

YUTO: Thank you, god

YUYA: No need to call me god ;)p

YUTO: I wasn’t

**[YUGO sent a file “lost_flowers_the_saga.png]**

YUGO: good morning to you too

this time it seems that it found a place on my windowsill

YUZU: ok now I KNOW that these are meant for you

YUGO: yeah I figured as much

shinji says I cant keep dragging flowers into the workshop

YUYA: Take them home??

YUGO: i think I should

i know this one at least

YUYA: We all know what roses look like >_>

YURI: I pity the poor, unfortunate soul who’s caught feelings for you. ¯\\(◉‿◉)/¯

YUYA: I wonder what they’re like???

YUTO: Shy, obviously

YUGO: i guess I’ll find out tomorrow

YUYA: Huh? 'A'

YUGO: you didn’t think that I’d let someone sneak around like this did you now? i’m gonna find a good place to hide and I’ll catch the culprit mid-act

if she’s cute enough I’m even going to offer her a coffee date

YUYA: What if it’s a he

YUGO: i don’t think so

YUYA: Ehhhhhhh

Why not??

YUGO: coz it seems like something a smitten girl would do because flowers and dudes don’t mix together?

unless you’re Yuri

YURI: I’d pick plants over you people anyday. (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

Also good luck on your wild goose chase. ~ I’m sure they only mixed up the windowsills.

Also your plan is flawed.

YUGO: how come????

YURI: If they’re stealthy, they’ll sneak up on you when you’re working. What I’m saying is that the odds of you catching them are really low. ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

YUGO: we wont know unless we try. tomorrow, i’m gonna be on a lookout for suspicious people

SERENA: drop by

YUGO: sure!

do I get anything on the house

SERENA: handkerchiefs.

YUGO: everyone gets to use those!

SERENA: that’s the point

-

 

**[New message, from: peach]**

_Have you maybe tried looking up the meanings of the flower language? Since you keep getting different ones every day_

flowers have a language???

_Wait_

_You didn’t know that?_

no????

_Oh my god_

_Rip whoever is doing this_

_They stumbled across a fool_

i just thought that she wants to give me pretty flowers

_Again with the SHE_

what are the odds of it being a man really yuzu get your head out of the clouds and face the reality

its almost like you KNOW who is doing this and you just dont wanna tell me

_How would I know!?_

then why do you keep on insisting its a guy

_Because its still a possibility right?_

eyerolls

_Ugh_

_There you go again_

whatever even if i wanted to look up the meanings of the flowers i dont exactly recognize the ones that arent roses and i think there was an iris too, and i only know that one because rin loves them. also the overgrown daisy or whatever it is that yuri called it.

_Sigh_

_Ok_

_Then what about the other roses?_

what about them?

_The colors, stupid_

well you saw purple

_Lavender_

_And it means_

_Either love at first sight or enchantment_

i

wow

im actually blushing rn

_Get it together_

_What was the other one like_

this weird red orange peach color

not really orange but not really red or pink either

what does it mean omg

yuzuuuu type faster im on the edge of my seat

_Sit back down on your bolts Cinderella im looking it up_

_Desire_

someone wants a ride and i dont mean the bike by it ;))))

_You’re so conceited_

you dont know what THEY meant about it

maybe they meant it in a SEX WAY

_At least youre getting it_

_Also im not about to talk with you about this_

uh yuz’?

_?_

whats the meaning for iris

since you know

rin likes them. i thought itd be nice to know

_There’s a shitton of different meanings here I don’t know if I’ll translate this one. What was the color of yours?_

blue??? are there other colors to it?

_Apparently_

_I think it means hope_

_I guess it’s hope for that coffee date_

…

blush

now I need to find them

i mean im gonna turn them down regardless because i dont even know what they look like or what theyre like irl and i need to spend a lot of time with a person before moving on to the next stage but

i mean

agh i actually dont even know what /i/ mean by it

itd be nice to say thank you for thinking about me in that way and that its nice and all? and flattering?

_Hope for the best and look for them carefully then, it’s all I can say._

yeah im gonna. and youre gonna come with me

_What!?_

_I didn’t agree to this_

too bad because i was going to treat you to a smoothie

so if you really dont wanna…………

_Ugh fine_

_Ill do it for the smoothie. Make it mango-strawberry_

cool

_Maybe ill even get to talk to serena if she has some free time_

see? everythings in our favor

_Gl trying to spot random suspicious people from the coffee place_

its RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET ofc im gonna SEE

_Sure man_

_Sure_

* * *

 

 

**[New message, from: yugo :*]**

_ARE YOU SEEING WHAT IM SEEING_

Yugo im sitting across from you im pretty sure im seeing it

Also why are you texting we can simply talk

_no_

_that will attract his attention and god forbid hell sit next to us_

_whats he doing here!?_

Um, judging by the open laptop and three notebooks...

I assume hw?

Serena says that he's been coming here quite often

Well, lately at least

_hes spying on us_

I SWEAR TO GOD

_or secretly making sure that we fail our mission_

_im onto him_

_look at him_

_in those hipster glasses_

_disguise i say_

_he is fooling NO ONE_

Can u like chill for like three seconds of your entire life

_ONLY WHEN I GET AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY YURI IS HERE_

Dude

It’s a public space. A coffee shop specifically.

People come here to spend money and stuff

You know like us. Currently. At this point in time. Right now.

The smoothie isn’t very good now that it’s melted into syrup btw

How long are we gonna keep sitting here no one’s showing up and I have places to be

_until i find out who my mystery admirer is_

I highly doubt you will

_now you sound like him_

_GASP_

_did you invite him here so you can leave_

Why didn’t I think of that sounds like a good idea. I should try it next time

_:/_

You do realize that youre attracting far more attention with your fidgeting and milling about right like im pretty sure he noticed us ten minutes ago

_then why isnt he coming over here to make my life miserable_

_oh no_

_i jinxed it_

_hes coming this way isnt he_

And that’s where I leave to powder my nose or smth brb

_YUZU DONT LEAVE_

-

 

_I CANT BELIEVE YOU LEFT ME WITH THIS GUY_

_I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS_

How’d it go

_TERRIBLY. HE KEPT MAKING FUN OF ME THE ENTIRE TIME AND THEN LEFT, CACKLING ALL THE WHILE. YOU KNOW. THE HEHEHEHEHEHEH THING THAT HE DOES._

_next time you need me somewhere im leaving midway through as well!_

You already did it at least twice

_I HAD URGENT BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF OK_

Being late to a game isn’t urgent business

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 24 **t** h**

-

 

YUYA: So did you find out who it is???

YUGO: IF YURI DIDN’T INTERFERE MAYBE IW OULD HA EV

**[YUGO logged off]**

YUYA: That bad huh ://////

I’m sorry

YURI: I’m not.~

 

**-**

 

 **Lancers chat, October 2** 5 **th**

YUYA: @yugo: no new pics today?

YUGO: no flowers

YURI: You probably scared them away with your stalking.~ ( ◞･౪･)

YUGO: SFKJNDFGJBLOVKED

* * *

 

 

**[PRIVATE, YURI@YUYA]**

YURI: Your foolish idea has inconvenienced me, cost me cash, honest effort, and in the end it didn’t even work out because Yugo is a dumb ape. Which is something I knew all along, but I never thought it to be that bad. I was wrong. I was an idiot. Kill me.

YUYA: Are you being serious???? ‘n’ it’s gonna be ok yuri!!! No need to be sad about this

YURI: I am serious. About Yugo being a Neanderthal. That’s about it lol.

YUYA: So you’re not sad?

YURI: Not really, no.

YUYA: Well

Uh

It worked out for my dad though???

YURI: This is straight up too weird to take into consideration. It was fun seeing him struggle and desperately convince himself that there’s someone out there who actually likes him. ~ (*^▽^*)

YUYA: You like him though?????? :?

YURI: Hahaha.

Ha.

Oh, Yuya, you naïve fool. You’re so adorable.~

YUYA: And you’re confusing!!!!!!! >_>

YURI: It’s my specialty. ~ At least I bought some plants.

YUYA: !

All’s well that ends well ;)

YURI: It’s only the beginning, though!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then yuri cried himself to sleep.
> 
>  
> 
> because he was laughing very hard. clearly


	6. the microwave chronicle (or how yuri scored)

**Private message, October 27th**

**-**

 

YURI: Hi.

YUGO: what’s the catch?

YURI: Can’t I just write a brother?

YUGO: you don’t do that unless youre stirring shit or you need something

also don’t call me brother it creeps me tf out

YURI: You wound me.

YUGO: spill it, I don’t have time for this. crow’s in a bad mood and hes gonna lose it if he sees me texting

YURI: Any reason behind the foul mood?

YUGO: one of his kids messed up at school so they called him

apparently he got so pissed by the “baseless slander” that he nearly decked the homeroom teacher. the security had to politely escort him outside

i hoped shinji would have some common sense but after crow told him what happened he’s twice as pissed. honestly its fucking horrifying and id rather be anywhere else atm

YURI: See? You’re talkative.~ ヾ(○･ω･)ﾉ☆

YUGO: stop manipulating, just be nicer

YURI: I can’t do both, pick one.

YUGO: be nicer then??

YURI: Your wish is my command, Cinderella. ~~

YUGO: i want a fairy godmother refund

YURI: After reading the word “fairy”? I do as well.

Miss me with that weak-sounding shit. I’m your witch guardian.

YUGO: tell me, oh witch guardian, what brings you here today

and be quick about it because I really REALLY shouldn’t be talking to anyone rn

YURI: My microwave broke.

YUGO: make less drama popcorn.

YURI: You don’t understand. I need IT.

YUGO: i don’t like where this is going

YURI: Fix it for me, Yugo-poo. (◡‿◡✿)

YUGO: sweet-talking me? really? how desperate are you?

YURI: I can go back to butchering your name if that’s what you prefer. (◕‿◕✿)

YUGO: NO THIS IS FINE

YURI: ;)

YUGO: I didn’t mean to capslock it, it was supposed to come out casual

YURI: Uh-huh.~

YUGO: i dunno man why cant you just bring your microwave to the professionals. i don’t specialize in this, the electronics are different. might fuck it up

YURI: You won’t.

YUGO: is that faith I hear

YURI: Not really. Just trying to find a cheap way out. ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)

YUGO: stingy asshole. don’t you have the dough for it?

YURI: I made some big investments this month, so atm? Nope.

YUGO: as in you bought MORE FLOWERS

YURI: My flowers are worth more than your pathetic life will ever be. (✿╹◡╹)

YUGO: for someone who’s supposedly good at sucking up to people, you sure are doing a terrible job.

what’s in it for me

YURI: My thanks?

YUGO: i don’t fix stuff for a thanks, yuri

YURI: A kiss then. (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

YUGO: ew

i’d rather kiss a toad

YURI: Good to hear, because that is all you’ll ever be kissing. (｡◝‿◜｡)

What do you want in return?

YUGO: uh. dude.

economics? capitalism? ring a bell?

YURI: I wasn’t aware that you even knew what the word “capitalism” means, but as I mentioned before, I don’t have the cash.

YUGO: then you can up and take your shit, busted microwave to the nearest scrap place and get some extra moolah

YURI: Ugh. Fucking fine.

You wanna play like this? I’ll write your goddamn essay if you fix it for me.

YUGO: ooooh now we’re talking BROTHER

you will also have to buy me the materials

YURI: Don’t push it, Bugo, I do not appreciate it.

YUGO: oi oi oi watch it, I might just say no to your humble request

YURI: You’re starting to piss me off.

YUGO: neat, now you know how I feel around you

But seeing as im gracious I guess there is one way we can make it even

YURI: And that would be?

YUGO: you sure you wont regret this?

YURI: I already regret asking YOU in general but I’m letting you continue regardless.

YUGO: ugh buzzkill fine just take me out to a diner or something you hobo

YURI: How about we go to the movies instead? You tend to consume everything in sight like some sort of abnormal void and I don’t think my wallet can handle it right now.

YUGO: hmmmm

hmmmm

hmhmhmh

YURI: Enough.

YUGO: i’m tempted to say no just to annoy you but sure

YUGO: but I get to pick

YURI: Oh god, no.

YUGO: ANYWAYS

i heard that there's a really cool action movie that just came out. i think rin called it “Baby Driver, But On A Motorcycle”?

YURI: I will absolutely not be subjected to two plus hours of brain cancer, thanks.

YUGO: visualize me. i'm currently picking up ur microwave and throwing it outside as I type

YURI: OKAY FINE. You leech. It’s a deal.

Yeesh.

YUGO: /I’m/ the leech???

YURI: Yes.

YUGO: me?

YURI: Are you wearing your lenses today or did you suddenly lose your hypothetical ability to read?

YUGO: i

how the fuck did you even know I have bad eyesight????

YURI: Remember when you were convinced that I am Yuya for a solid five minutes at the graduation party? Because I do.

YUGO: i was drunk, it was dark. speaking of dark and headache-inducing: you would probs just pick some lame, shit thriller and then get hard at the sight of blood at the theater

YURI: I will not confirm nor deny that statement. (｡◝‿◜｡)

Don’t worry, I can hold your sweaty hand through all of the spooky jumpscares.~

YUGO: i’m not scared

also my hands aren’t THAT SWEATY

YURI: Sure.~

YUGO: it’s a CONDITION

YURI: Ok, sweaty :)

YUGO: AND IM NOT SCARED OF YOUR BAD HORROR FLICKS

YURI: Uh-huh. ~

Do you remember “Dead Don’t Sleep”?

YUGO: that only happened because your FUCKING CAT jumped into my lap at the worst moment

YURI: Yuto got so startled by your inhuman banshee screech that he elbowed you in the face.

Yuya cried over spilt popcorn and cola.

You almost cracked an elbow.

Kurosaki had to rush you to the E.R.

Look me in the face and tell me you’re not scared of zombies and gore, I dare you. ( ᵘ ᵕ ᵘ ⁎)

YUGO: >:(

i’ll pick you up at 9 pm.

On. My. Motorcycle.

YURI: We’re walking.

YUGO: ABSOLUTELY NOT

YURI: I’m not about to commit a lovers’ suicide with you no matter how romantic it may sound.

YUGO: this is my condition, you in or are you out

YURI: :')

YUGO: are you finally admitting that you’re terrified

YURI: Never.

Hooray for death.

I sure love death.

Bring me Rin’s sparkliest helmet. I’m dying a fabulous death.

YUGO: you won’t if you hold on properly and will do, yuri-poo

YURI: You sicken me.

YUGO: love you too babe

YURI: ???

**[YUGO logged off]**

YURI: The fuck’s that supposed to mean?

 

-

 

YUGO: sooo serena got a sore throat and their gig tonight is cancelled. i'll be early keep your cat away from me pls and thank.

btw i hate yuto for making me haul his fucking brand new drum-set inside only to drag it out. does he think it's funny. is my trouble some sort of comedic gag because im not feeling it. i mean kurosaki could help out too every once in a while but nooo

what's the point of having guns if you dont use them to pick up heavy stuff

YURI: The guns are there for picking up Yuto. And Ruri. Simultaneously. Not your slave work.~

YUGO: I RESENT THAT

YURI: Are you feeling gun-threatened?~

YUGO: pfffffft what

have you seen these noodle arms??????? kurosaki could crush my head between his biceps.

YURI: Your noodles are alright. ( ᵘ ᵕ ᵘ ⁎)

YUGO: is that a compliment

YURI: Absolutely not. Now get your ass here.

* * *

 

**Private message, October 27th**

**-**

 

YUGO: i think I just accidentally went on a date

YUZU: ?????????

with who???

do I know them?

YUGO: oh you do

YOU DO

and you know what the worst part is?

I ENJOYED IT???!??

YUZU: did you finally hit up yuto for quality bro bonding time

YUGO: no, not yet but good idea

YUZU: kurosaki?

YUGO: NOOOO

YUZU: i have no idea who else

……how well do I know them

YUGO: hint: you talk daily

YUZU: ?

shit

wait

OH MYGOD DFSKJFSDKJFGN

im taking out my I TOLD YOU SO sweater rn

HOW’D YURI TRICK YOU INTO THIS??? Give me all dem juicy deets

YUGO: after I bring his highness back home k?

YUZU: YOU’RE STILL ON UR DATE? YUGO IT’S LIKE 3 AM. AND YOU’RE TAKING HIM HOME? THAT’S SO

YUGO: YES AND HE’S LOOKING AT ME ALL KNOWINGLY HE ///KNOWS//// IM FREAKING AND HAVING A CRISIS BECAUSE WHAT TF I LIKED IT

I GTG

YUZU: pardon me for the intrusion aaaaaaaaaa

YUGO: i'm the one who texted you though!???

YUZU: DUDE YOU WILL TELL ME EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING

YUGO: ok just don’t tell anyone for now k?

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 27th**

**-**

YUYA: YUGO AND YURI SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G

SERENA: what happened?

YUYA: Guess who just went on A DATE

SERENA: not you i assume

wait

shit

shiiiiiiiit

YUYA: Yuto is currently telling ruri omfg

YUZU: YUYA I TOLD YOU TO NOT TELL

YURI: Oh my, you sure were enjoying yourself to the point you had to tell the rest, right, Yugo?

Or do I call you muffin from now on? (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

YUGO: call me that and ur dead

YURI: No need to be shy? (─‿─)

YUYA: HOW’D UR DATE GO????????? ;)))

YURI: It was amazing! Yugo cried like trice at the theater.

YUGO: HE PICKED OUT THE GORIEST THING THAT WAS ON

YURI: So you do admit that you’re scared of horror movies?~

YUGO: I WAS SICKENED

SHE ATE HER OWN ROTTING BABY

I NEARLY THREW UP YOU SICK FUCK

YUTO: From your messages I assume you just got back

Was the movie on for literal hours?

YUGO: YUZU MAY I HAVE A FUCKING WORD

YUZU: i’m sorry I didn’t think he’d write thissss

YUGO: also you all got the wrong idea I did this because he was treating me to it

like

bitch doesn’t have money to bring his fucking microwave for the pros to take a look at it

YUYA: Ehhh so its not really a date??? :/

YUGO: IT’S. NOT.

YURI: Your denial wounds me, muffin.

YUGO: YOU KNOW WHAT IF YOU KEEP THIS UP YOU CAN TAKE BACK UR MICROWAVE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, DUDE.

YURI: </3

SERENA: still counts as a date man

it all depends on the perspective

and mine is – date

welcome to the club, yugo

* * *

 

**[PRIVATE, YUGO@YUZU]**

 

YUGO: WHY, OH MY GOD WHY DID YOU TELL YUYA

YUZU: I DIDN’T THINK HE’D BLABBER

YUGO: IT’S AS THOUGH YOU DON’T KNOW YUYA SAKAKI

YUZU: agh that aside

is it true that it wasn’t a date :/

YUGO: YES

he’s broke and we thought it’d be a good alternative to do this

tbh I much rather would’ve had a plate of nutella pancakes than baby gore. that fucker was clapping by the time it was over. im surprised that we didn’t see any vomit on the stairs.

YUZU: thats because you were the one doing the barfing

YUGO: t b h

it was fucking horrible

YUZU: what did you do afterwards

YUGO: we didn’t want to go back home so we walked a few kilometers to mickey d’s, threw fries at each other and then went to the park coz my ass hurt from all that inactivity

YUZU: and at the park? did you talk?

YUGO: what? us??? talk??? fuck no

i told him that I can swing higher than him and we had a contest. then he blamed my height for his failed jumps. it’s not my fault I have long legs and he’s a tiny gremlin in oversized cardigans

you know what he started calling me /now/? daddy long legs. which is only slightly better than the butchering of my name.

but not good enough

YUZU: hmmm ;)

sounds like you had a great time

YUGO: honestly? yeah

but it’s a one-time deal because I doubt we will ever get together like this again. Literally all we did was make fun of each other and run around like dorks

surprised the cops didn’t come up to us armed with alkotesters

YUZU: when was the last time you had fun on a date?

YUGO: it’s not a date

YUZU: you called it a date

YUGO: i was confused at first

YUZU: are you not still?

YUGO: …

a bit

i guess

idk

I WOULDN'T BE THINKING ABOUT THIS IF YOU DIDNT CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT ME HAVING A SECRET CRUSH ON THE GUY OR W/E. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS, YUZU. IDK WHY IM EVEN CONSIDERING THE POSSIBILITY

and I don’t know. i mean it was an… acquaintance (rival? sworn, natural enemy?) outing, nothing more

if we call it a date though… if, allegedly, this was a date, well I had lots of fun and I /don’t/ recall having this much fun since I dated rin.

it was really different but fun as well

but I’m not into dick or yuri so

YUZU: yeah I get it, I was on the receiving end of the “im straight mcstraight how do you do” speech far too many times to count and it’s not doing it for me anymore

but

if you were

allegedly

into yuri

or found out that you were (just now wink nudge)

what would you do?

YUGO: if I was (ALLEGEDLY!!!!!!!!) into yuri, I’d stick a screwdriver into the nearest socket and electrocute myself before anything could take place.

YUZU: it’s funny to hear you say that seeing that you said the exact same thing about rin and then proceeded to date her for six years

YUGO: just fuck off dude

go back to your yuri/yugo fantasies

it’s not happening irl

ever

he doesn’t like me and I sure as hell DON’T like him

there you have it

end story

YUZU: ;)

YUGO: hey YUZU, how’s your THING with SERENA going

YUZU: …got it

**-**

 

**[New message, from: pogobogo]**

_i charge extra for every nasty lie you spread about us, fuckwad_

Are you asking me out on a new date already!? I accept uwu

Muffin <3

_die_


	7. night of the furries

**Lancers chat, October 29 th**

-

 

YUYA: Kill me

YURI: With pleasure.

YUYA: What nooo that was an expression >_<

YURI: Boo. And I’m in such a bad mood today… murder would fix it a little. （￣へ￣）

YUYA: Can I ask why u r feeling under the weather

YURI: No, you cannot. ~

YUYA: Oh um

Ok

Cool?

YURI: Cool.

YUGO: don’t be discouraged by the wet blanket over there what’s going on yuya

YURI: I’m not feeling well enough to grace you with a snappy reply, so I’ll stick with insults. Ahem, you’re a fucking moron. There.

YUGO: uh huh, that’s nice

yuya?

YUYA: I wanna quit the student council so badly

Organizing intro week’s events was hard enough already but this is on a whole new level of difficult. I’ve had too much sawatari in my life. Dennis even offered to plan out his murder after he got into a petty fight with some students over the banners. All of you are welcome to come to the Halloween party btw I /insist/ that you come

Don’t let my efforts go to waste

Please

YUGO: i think it goes without saying

we’ll show up, dude

ISNT THAT RIGHT YURI

YURI: Ohh, making couple plans? How considerate of you, muffin. I’m in.

YUGO: i

im not

YUYA:  Omg yuri ur rlly gonna show up????

YURI: Yeah. As stupid as it sounds, I’ll go.

Already have a costume also.

And some unfinished business to attend to. Mostly that.

YUGO: what sort of business

YURI: Nunya.

YUGO: nunya?

YURI: Nunya Business.

YUGO: what lol

oh

OH

fuck u

YUYA:  Is it work-related again?? :/

YURI: Yeah, unfortunately.

YUGO: working on halloween?? dude? even /shinji/ isn’t cruel enough to make me work extra hours. then again im sure he’s taking out the kids for trick or treating so he won’t be around to check my progress and observe

YURI: I work like any other functioning adult, unlike some people I know. ~

YUGO: i work too u special snowflake elitist

YURI: I didn’t specifically mean YOU.

Good for you, muffin, I got that much from your unnecessarily long text. (✿´ ꒳ ` )

YUGO: hey GUYS that reminds me seeing that I have to fix his majesty’s shit here

WHERE DOES YURI WORK

like youre always swimming in cash and everything whats up with that

are you doing illegal shit

YURI: Maybe. What’s it to you?

YUGO: i want to know if im getting DIRTY MONEY for my effort

YURI: You’re getting jack shit from me, remember? It was our agreement.

YUGO: you paid for me when we went out and I wanna know where you got the money. is it LEGAL money

YURI: Yeah I took you out on a date with my /illegal/ money. This chat is an illusion. Actually while we were at McDonalds, SWAT busted through the windows and arrested us. How could you forget it?

YUGO: god youre annoying you know that

YURI:  So I’ve been told. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

YUTO: Where do you work

Seriously

And don’t even attempt to nunya me im not yugo

YURI: Aww, buzzkill. I’d never look down on you, widdle goth, why’d you even assume I’d compare you to Yugo.

My money-making methods are 100% clean, I can assure you.

YUTO: Your reassurance means nothing to me

YURI: That’s your own decision.

YUTO: Youre provoking a guessing game

YURI: I don’t mind. It’s fun watching you peasants struggle and miss the target. ~ ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌

YUTO: Hint me

YURI: Why should I? Give me one good reason.

YUTO: Just fucking hint me you wet sock

YURI: Say please, you unstable chair, and I might take pity.

YUZU: hint: station

YUTO: Thank you yuzu

YURI: I’m sighing sm rn.

YUTO: Also you know where this gremlin works?

YUZU: some of us do

YUGO: share it w the rest???? pls and thank????

-

 

**[PRIVATE, YURI@YUZU]**

YURI: I will owe you one if you keep your mouth shut.

YUZU: and you’ll agree to absolutely everything?

YURI: Everything.

YUZU: write it down on a piece of paper, take a pic and send me the copy. don’t forget to sign it

YURI: What.

Ugh.

**[YURI sent an attachment ihopeyouchokeonit.png]**

YURI: Do you want it signed in blood?

Or a virgin sacrifice for it?

YUZU: you’re no virgin though

YURI: I didn’t mean myself.

YUZU: clearly

the paper will do. the contract is sealed. pleasure doing business with you.

YURI: Whatever. Just keep quiet.

-

 

YUGO: WHY ARE U SILENT ALL OF A SUDDEN

yuuuuuuzu

YUTO: Is he threatening you

YUZU: no way lol

also wheres the fun in straight up telling you the answer ;)

YUGO: why are you like this

YUZU: like for most faults in my behavior – this chat is to blame

i'm just curious to see where youre gonna go with this

YURI: She understands.

YUZU: oh I do ;)

YUGO: DID HE BRIBE YOU

YURI: I might’ve, I might’ve not.

But that’s all you’re getting.~

YUGO: are you going to buy EVERYONE’S SILENCE

YUTO: Station. Wow. That’s like nothing

Give us more hints

YUZU: nope, that’s all youre getting

YUTO: But youre going to tell me later on right?

YUZU: hmmm

YURI: Yuzu.

YUZU: hmmmmm

YURI: I’m warning you. If you say anything, I /will/ find out. ~

YUZU: perhaps I wont even have to? you might guess it on your own. tbh its not that hard if you’re guessing in the right direction

YUGO: :/

YUTO: The word station and yuri… you know what comes to mind? The train station

YURI: And bus station on weekends. ;)

YUGO: sick

YURI: Gasps

Are you slut-shaming me? How dare you.

YUGO: cant shame the shameless

YUYA: How’s the word station related in any way to what you do???

YUTO: Oho?

YUGO: YUYA

YURI: Yuya, god damn it.

YUGO: YUYA TELL US

YUYA:  I WHAT

YUGO: YOU KNOW WHERE HE WORKS, TELL US

YUYA:  No I don’t

YUGO: YOU LITERALLY JUST SLIPPED UP

YUYA:  NO I DIDN’T

YUGO: YES YOU DID

YUYA:  I WON’T TELL

YUGO: yuya

yuya, tell me

YUYA:  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YUGO: t e l l me right now

YUYA: No :// I found out by accident and it’s not my place to tell you guys >_<

YUGO: you do realize that im gonna get the answer out of you by the end of the night right

**[YUYA logged off]**

YUGO: oh no you don’t. just because I cant reach you here doesn’t mean I wont be able to get in contact with you

YUTO: I must ask you to stop because he’s gonna throw his phone battery through the window at this rate

YUGO: YOU CANT ESCAPE ME. YOU CANT HIDE FROM ME

YURI: Instead of harassing the poor innocent boy, why don’t you back off, wipe away the cobwebs and dust inside your head and start using that peanut-sized brain of yours. Kick it into an overdrive.

YUGO: none of this would be happening if you told us

whats the big secret jesus

YURI: I don’t have to tell you if I don’t feel like it.

* * *

 

**Private conversation, October 29 th**

-

 

YUTO: So you know that yuzu’s pretty popular for her illustrations right

YUGO: before you carry on and finish this story clearly meant to ruin my mood I wanna know if yuya’s seriously hiding from me like cmon dude im not gonna harass the answers out of him or anything

YUTO: You were coming on pretty strong

YUGO: he believed it!?

YUTO: Seeing that youre usually brutally honest and intent on keeping your word… I understand him ig

YUGO: You can tell him that its safe to go online

YUTO: He says that this is what you want /me/ to think and that youre going to question him the moment he’s on

YUGO: he can always ignore me omfg

YUTO: You know yuya. Hes too nice to do that unless he’s busy, really mad or uninterested in your existence in general

Tbh hes been on his phone for a solid two hours now texting someone I thought you were still at it. Texting war or smth

YUGO: maybe its yuzu

YUTO: No. He has a specific notification alarm set for each person

YUGO: whats mine

YUTO: You don’t have one

YUGO: um WOW

YUTO: Yuya says its because you never text him

YUGO: still RUDE

YUTO: Eyerolls

Back to the topic at hand. Yuzu may or may not have leaked our designs for all of the people on the internet to see

YUGO: you sound like some old man also what of it? i mean they are pretty cool, it’s nice to know theyre getting attention. personally I really dig mine

YUTO: Yeah uh

That’s the point

**[YUTO sent 4 attachments]**

Seems like others dig it too. And Yuri’s. Specifically your and yuri’s, uh, together

YUGO: ……she actually drew us holding hands

also what the fuck it is that im seeing

YUTO: Art?

YUGO: yeah but WHO DID THIS

YUTO: People?

YUGO: STOP DOING THE THING

YUTO: What thing

Seriously, I’m confused

YUGO: WE’RE GETTING FANART?

YUTO: Ohhh

They’re really enthusiastic about fantasy settings

YUGO: now I have to deal with not only MY IRL FRIENDS but also PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET liking the THOUGHT of me and THAT GUY together. is the universe plotting against me

i need a moment

YUTO: Im disgusted to confess to it but I have the one with you two riding a horse set as my lockscreen. It’s my kind of aesthetic

YUGO: anything black and white is your aesthetic

also same

YUTO: ?

You like b&w stuff too? I thought you were a slut for yuzu’s bright, cartoony doodles

YUGO: yeah I am and uh, I meant the lockscreen

YUTO: Oh.

Dude that’s pretty gay

YUGO: NO, THE ART IS PRETTY

YUTO: Pretty gay

YUGO: askdfhbdik

* * *

 

**Private chat, October 30 th**

** - **

 

YUGO: Hello, friend

YUZU: i somehow know where this is going

YUGO: I heard about your………… posting spree

YUZU: i bet it was serena

YUGO: yuto, actually

YUZU: i trusted him and he backstabbed me :(

YUGO: yuri will backstab you too. whatever he gave you for your silence – it’s a lie and u should totes snitch

YUZU: piss off, yugo

i have no idea why the people got hung up over the two of you. today like three of my followers asked me to disclose more details regarding the setting and wanted my permission to write stuff for it as well

YUGO: FOR YOUR OWN SAKE I HOPE YOU SAID NO

YUZU: wellllllllll

YUGO: friendship over

YUZU: dude let them be creative

YUGO: i would if they weren’t creating god damn FANFICTION about me and yuri

YUZU: about your ART VERSIONS IN AN ALTERNATE SETTING jesus its not like anyone knows who you are irl

it’s harmless fun

YUGO: if hey happen to write anything and post it I hope to fucking god yuri doesn’t sniff them out or I will never hear the end of it. chances are he’ll print that shit out and quote it during inappropriate times.

YUZU: i didn’t think of that

YUGO: now you did

YUZU: sorry if I seem out of it rn, soothing yuya’s panic

YUGO: youre alright also poor guy like he should really quit the sc. it’s taking a toll on him.

YUZU: he’s dead set on being socially active though so… it seems if it weren’t for dennis he’d be locked in a mental hospital

YUGO: shady

YUZU: ?

YUGO: look if yuri likes a guy that means he’s shady.

YUZU: it's not like they're snorting crack behind the building

YUGO: you dont know that.

and yuri is all about that mackfield nonexistent booty

YUZU: like yours is better

YUGO: don’t

YUZU: k

seems that they've got some history together though

YUGO: i don’t wanna know about their summertime romance or whatever

YUZU: speaking of

YUGO: is this the part where youre gonna tell me regardless

YUZU: no stupid this is the part where I tell you that yuya’s freaking coz he’s supposed to meet some mysterious gaming buddy for the first time ever (the world is unbearably small – apparently the kid’s a first year at our school, they probs met during intro week too and they didn’t even know who the other was yayyy) and he doesn’t know how to dress or act coz he usually doesn’t meet up with random strangers he finds on lds2 but it seems that this one has /a way/ with words

tricked yuya into this meeting almost

YUGO: i don’t like the sound of it. this is way more shady than mackfield hypothetically macking on yuya

YUZU: we have an unknown guy hypothetically macking on yuya, yes, but yuya’s got that shit confused with friendship. i mean. i heard some stuff and its not something one would say to a friend

YUGO: should we like idk maybe secretly follow him around during the event? just to make sure he doesn’t get cornered by some big mountain man????

YUZU: i was about to offer it too. i'm worried

YUGO: with the two of us forming an impenetrable wall around sweet darling TRAITOROUS yuya, no harm will come to him

YUZU: OH WILL YOU LAY OFF

YUGO: i mean /you/ could tell me

YUZU: no

i hope we wont have to interfere tho coz your fighting skills are kinda… up in the air

YUGO: why don’t you get YUTO to do the saving

YUZU: hes already in on it

YUGO: …i thought it’d be just me and you :/ like the good old days. yugo and yuzu. banana-raspberry punch

YUZU: we can still hang?

YUGO: whats up with the question mark!!!

YUZU: sorry!!! i mean we will /definitely/ hang!!! yuya’s pinging on the other window brb

YUZU: ahh regardless of fighting skills I think we’re safe because this guy is ummm what’s the word

YUGO: creepy?

YUZU: cutesy! but also creepy, ya

a big fan of yuya’s gaming and berserking

YUGO: there’s something seriously wrong with that child

YUZU: yep

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, October 31 st**

** - **

 

YUYA: Please help me with the streamers and food managing before I collapse into a pool of my tears

YUGO: on it bb

YUYA: Nvm, dennis and some of his friends just freed up

YUGO: I SAID. I’M ON IT. BB.

YUYA: the more the merrier :))))

YUGO: ughhgghghhg

* * *

 

**[YUGO added YUTO and YUZU]**

**[YUGO renamed chat to YUYA’S SPOOKY DEFENSE SQUAD]**

YUTO: Why am I here

YUGO: didn’t you swear an oath to our noble cause of protecting yuya sakaki from some nameless gamers

YUTO: Youre taking it a bit too seriously

YUGO: and youre not???

YUTO: I am but I didn’t think we’d need a separate chatroom for it

YUGO: if we communicate via lancers he’s gonna SEE and everything will BE RUINED

YUTO: Why are you so extra

YUGO: because shut up

it’s a secret mission

YUTO: Toddler

YUGO: grandpa

YUZU: hello I am here as well

YUTO: We know

YUGO: i added you myself

YUZU: waves

YUGO: k now for the serious shizz: who u dressing up as

YUTO: This is the reason why we’re here?

YUGO: partially

YUTO: You know what im not even going to question any of this sign me up to be the batman

YUGO: i'm the batman

you can be robin

YUTO: Whatever

Also shun, ruri and I are going as a pirate crew

YUGO: i just visualized it and im wheezing

hey yuto say ARRRR OY ME LADDIES ME IS LOOKIN FER SOME BOOTEH

YUTO: Ruri said it would be neat coz of the scarves. I’m not exactly looking forward to it

Also if u ask me to say that irl you’ll be going to er with a broken nose

YUZU: i think you’re gonna look great! she already sent me a pic of her outfit

YUGO: ass pirate

YUTO: At least im getting some

YUGO: send pics of shun without clothes on by the end of the party and I might take your word for it

YUTO: I wish I could put on something scarier

YUGO: go dressed as yuri

YUTO: You think yuri is scary?

YUZU: tbh I just shuddered

YUGO: see?

yuri shows up at hw without a costume on. yuya, in tears, with a bunch of streamers held in his arms, comes up to him and asks where his outfit is. he’s screaming internally, the streamers keep falling from his shaking hands. by coming to the party costume…less Yuri is stepping all over everything he considers dear that night. unwillingly, he flashbacks to sawatari throwing plastic cups at the drama club kids because they cant seem to agree on the drink assortment. ptsd is kicking in. yuri casually takes a sip from his teacup and says: i’m the most terrifying thing around

yuzu cries and hides, the end

YUZU: i'm not even going to deny it

YUTO: Please, we all know that yuri would show up dressed as a vampire because he sucks

YUGO: dick?

YUTO: I meant, like, in general. But sure, whatever comes to your mind first works too

You could write fanfiction btw

YUGO: piss off

YUZU: and /I’m/ pissed because you snitched on me

YUTO: It had to be done

YUGO: EVERYONE, STOP PISSING

YUTO: So humor me – why did you ask about our outfits? Don’t you always whine when people tell you about their costumes beforehand because it ruins the surprise?

YUGO: ok so hear out this cool idea

YUTO: Here it comes, the shitpost of the night

YUGO: as a protection squad we should have matching outfits!

YUZU: let me guess – rin ditched you

YUGO: fuck yeah she did, she’s going as snow white :/// we were supposed to be weres together. so now im left with a pair of extra ears, a tail and what seems to be a detachable snoot, im not too sure

YUTO: I always knew that you were a furry

YUGO: HEY weres are COOL keep your goth opinion to yourself

if I go as a “””furry””” then all of us go as furries, ride or die

YUTO: I prefer Die

I’d much rather do bad pirate impersonations than be a furry

YUZU: it’s ok yugo, I gotchu. i’ll be a furry for you

YUGO: really????

YUZU: yeah. didn’t have the time to plan out/buy a proper costume either way. i would’ve put on a pair of bunny ears and called it a day

YUGO: ilu sm rn <3 come over to my place and we can begin putting that shit on <3 also we can think of a plan of action

YUZU: omw <3

-

 

YUTO: So do you think sawatari is dressed as draco malfoy ironically or

YUGO: knowing him? 100% legit and proud of it too

score some booty, sailor

YUTO: Aye aye

YUGO: cant believe you said that to me

YUTO: Shun snuck in a flask of vodka so im feeling pretty alright

YUGO: share

YUTO: Noooo

Btw I see some fuck in overalls flirting with ruru brb going to go kil l a man

YUGO: ruru omg

yooz, screen it I got no more space on my sd card

YUZU: i was on it before you told me to be on it

YUTO: How’s yuya

YUZU: visibly tired but happier

YUTO: Is the target in sight

YUZU: not yet, no

YUGO: he looks a little nervous

keeps looking around

YUZU: our position has been compromised like thirty minutes ago

YUTO: We SHOWED UP thirty minutes ago

YUGO: exactly

YUTO: Wow we suck

YUZU: to be honest our success rate was pretty damn low since the start

YUGO: i will never live out my agent au fantasy

YUZU: we have one more super secret job to do

YUGO: and whats that

YUZU: dennis asked me to spike all of the punches

all of them

YUGO: so YOU have the stuff

YUZU: it’s not for you, its for everyone now lets regroup and do this

YUGO: brb, pee break first

YUZU: keep your eyes on yuya

YUGO: k I will

since yuto is USELESS

IF ONLY HE LOOKED AT THE BEEPING PHONE IN HIS HAND INSTEAD OF SOULFULLY GAZING INTO SHUN KUROSAKI’S ONE UNCOVERED EYE

i wanna kick him from the chat

YUZU: don’t :((

-

 

YUZU: target spotted.

it’s

a very cute

very small

boy

is he lost

did he stop aging at the age of fourteen?

i want to go up to him and pet him on the head and give him some candy too

he’s awkwardly trying to round yuya up into a table im gonna cry so adorable

i think his tactics are working omg

…

guys where are you

-

 

YUGO: sorry I was busy talking to rin and spiking the punch simultaneously I think it came out a bit too strong

i was doing my thing basically and I was like shit I need to go to yuzu right and then I see

Her

the girl of my dreams

YUZU: dude what

also come join me, yuya and sora. we’re discussing lds2 tactics, apparently we’ve been sucking because of our team balance

YUGO: who’s sora

YUZU: the mystery boy

he’s nice

yuya is blatantly intimidated but I like him well enough. bring the punch bowl with you coz I think he could use it to loosen up a little

YUGO: you know who should stop loosening up tho?

YUTO

badum tss

YUZU: Didn’t see him around tbh

YUGO: /I/ did and let me tell you im starting to fear that he might prove me wrong by sending me some… pics tonight. which I really don’t wanna see btw

YUZU: just be happy for him

YUGO: i am

i should be

but

THE. GIRL. OF. MY. DREAMS.

just walked by

YUZU: right we kept ignoring it

YUGO: Im hurt

YUZU: i'm all ears. who is this beauty you speak of, would I hit that

YUGO: youre a sucker for long, blue-toned hair so i say yes

YUZU: you caught my interest, go on

YUGO: anyways so as I was saying im doing my own thing right and there I see Her from the corner of my eye. this cutie with a booty, long purple hair and a fluffy dress. black lace and ribbons yuzu do you know what that shit does to a man

YUZU: i was very attentive during biology classes, im aware

YUGO: i meant my HEART you creep

YUZU: bow chica wow wow

YUGO: i'm visibly sweating

YUZU: don’t you always

YUGO: i'm smearing my screen because of my palms

YUZU: eugh sick don’t touch her with your wet furry paws. but before that you must talk to her

YUGO: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

YUZU: yugo, who always has shit to say, has nothing to say. hah, hilarious.

YUGO: are you making fun of me???

YUZU: that was sarcasm you dense nerdlord

YUGO: oh

i totally knew that

YUZU: i can see

YUGO: hooray i'm so happy for you

YUZU: dick

so is she dressed like some sort of lolita or

YUGO: bro no shes a cute witch

YUZU: …………………………

a witch you say

YUGO: yeah you know like half of the people here

YUZU: is she by any chance wearing a purple dress that has some green gems on it

YUGO: YES

you saw her?

YUZU: oooohhh

ohhh you bet your butt I did

GO TALK TO HER RN

you’re gonna ~love her~, trust me

YUGO: …?

whatever, im going

gl lmao

* * *

 

**Private conversation, October 31 st**

** - **

 

YUGO: my life is a lie and you set me up

YUZU: i did no such thing

YUGO: do you have ANY idea how much he laughed

YUZU: i can imagine

YUGO: my shortest-lived crush… on a cute girl at a party… who is actually YURI in cosplay

i will never live this one down I’m disgusted with myself

YUZU: and a bit aroused I bet

YUGO: my blood is growing cold as I type, biology master. my junk is shriveling up whenever I remember THAT SMUG SMIRK.

i cant believe I couldn’t tell who he was before I made a fool out of myself like cmon those eyebrows are a dead giveaway

he’s………… a pretty girl to say the least

YUZU: yup yup

YUGO: you know what he told me when I calmly asked him OH MY GOD WHY

YUZU: ?

YUGO: he turned to me, flashed me a smile and said: these sorts of reactions are the reason WHY I do this in the first place

did he come here fully knowing it would go like this

i’ve been duped I’m gonna cry

my dick is disintegrating

YUZU: rip

if he was a hot girl you’d probably have three babies by now and im sorry about ur dong

YUGO: i’m not gonna sleep tonight

YUZU: delete your internet history

YUGO: sick

you know what

he also had some guy taking pics of him further away. PICS. like in some PHOTOSHOOT. with a PROFESSIONAL CAMERA. i don’t know what to make of it??

do you think he, like, owns a cosplay page or something. otherwise why would he need professional pics of himself in that outfit

YUZU: because he has the money to pay a professional photographer for quality photos?

YUGO: yeah like he loves himself THAT MUCH

YUZU: oh boy you don’t know half of it

YUGO: how’d it go with sora

YUZU: alright actually. he gave me his handle and then he was on his way. yuya’s still miffed but at least now he’s back to his normal self

YUGO: and yuto?

YUZU: …um

we’ll see

* * *

 

**Lancers chat, November 1 st**

-

 

YURI: Hello fellow gays, let’s give a big round of applause for our first stable romantic relationship. ( ◞･౪･)

**[YURI sent an attachment “hottongueaction.png”]**

YUTO: ……what the ever-loving shit happened last night

You must be joking.

Is this photoshopped

YURI: 10000000000% real. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I was standing like three meters away when you decided to suck out Kurosaki’s soul through his mouth.

YUZU: do you not remember any of it ???

YUTO: I

I think I’m gonna go throw up real quick and then scream into the void for an hour or so brb

YURI: Correction: let’s give a big round of applause for Yuto fucking up his friendship with Kurosaki. °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> foreshadowing


	8. the awakening of the gay feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some art fart: http://yaboybokuto.tumblr.com/post/163409691378/welcome-to-lancers-shitposters-chatroom-where-the  
> the attachments have art ;))

**[google search: dark google show me the forbidden pics of a guy named yuri**

**no not THOSE yuris google wtf I didnt want girls making out no google no**

**google help me im desperate and please dont show me tips for finding dates im not interested or am i this is so confusing tbh**

**its 3:30 am and im googling my rival/frenemy show me yuris cosplay page if i write bullshit maybe ill actually finally find it**

**yuri??? cosplay???? lolita fashion????cute witch?? what do you want from me???? im still sweating and sorta feeling the gay mood for once**

**does looking up your friends pics online make you gay**

**does looking up your enemys pics online make you gay**

**a dude i dont properly talk to wears a cute dress and suddenly im sweating is this the rumored gay feeling**

**gay feeling for an enemy, specifically his cosplay**

**gay feeling**

**no homo but my friend is hot**

**stop trying to tell me im in love via cryptic articles and forums**

**im not in love w my bff or enemy but what is the gay feel anyway]**

* * *

 

 

**[New message, from: yugo :*]**

_yuzu google is evil_

What

_its telling me im gay for yuri and also probably in love btw theres a chance that im going to develop some serious heart disease in the nearby future. the serious symptoms are all there and im gonna die at the age of 30_

You’re gonna die at the age of 20 if you don’t stop pinging me awake, asshole

Why are you butt-texting me in the middle of the night im gonna kill you

_what do i do yuzu im not in love with yuri_

You go tell google that

_yeah. yeah you know what im gonna. google has no right to tell me how to live MY LIFE_

Stick it to the google man now LET ME SLEEP

_k nite_

-

 

_no homo but yuri is hot_

YUGO, GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

_ok ok im sorry_

* * *

 

**[New message, from: not hyugou]**

_serena bro u dont think its gay that i think yuri is pretty hot i mean we all think that right_

What the fuck are you on about

Also lmao

Finally slipped and fell down that hole huh

Sooner than I would’ve expected, some boys owe me cashmoney. Im gonna make it rain

_what_

What

Ugh

So??

_so what_

You woke ME up at asscrack of dawn. Youre lucky I’m too sick to function atm or I would, in fact, kill you

_u and yuzu are a match made in heaven you know that right_

If you tell me that you woke her up for this nonsense TOO im gonna stick my foot so far up your ass that

_whoa hold the phone i didnt wake up your song princess jesus_

Im gonna ask later so in case ur lying u r a dead man

_………………………im gonna risk it_

:I

I assume I missed a lot of making out at the Halloween bullshit, were you one of those “”lucky””” couples too

_no need to be salty about your absence_

Im not. Look at yuto. Wanna bet he’ll be bitching for the next three weeks because he and shun are emotionally stunted and wont talk to each other properly until ruri locks them together in the closet?

_youre oddly specific_

Please, yuri sent a pic to her too. Shes got a solid plan in works

_let me bolt the door while ur at it_

Done

_so you know that yuri strolled in with a dress on right_

SPITS

WHAT

_oh. seems you didnt_

Askfnsdfk

Pics

_didnt take no pics i thought he was a chick for like a solid twenty minutes and then ran from the party due to the unbearable shame and embarrassment._

WOW I always knew he was into some weird hobbies but this is by far the best shit ever also im disappointed you have no blackmail material

_ask yuzu im sure she snapped some_

Jesus

This is like the best night I had this month so far and im dying from fever

So yuri flashed you a supple thigh like in some 1880s porno and you ran off crying with your hands pressed down on your crotch area huh

_i didnt say that!!!!_

You’re texting me. At nearly 4 am. /Asking/ me if it’s an universal truth that yuri is hot

The answer is no. no it isn’t

He’s……… alright ig, not ugly or anything but he looks like those nerds that I used to bully for lunch money so fuck that. I mean if I had to pick a lethal injection or a night with him im p sure we both know which one I’d pick

_kicking the injection out of someones hands and carrying yuri out of dangers way bridal style?_

Oh you know me so well

Except I might let him take a few hits, the fucker deserves a few punches in the face. And maybe stomach area too

Ok maybe more than that but we’re getting off-topic

_theres no topic in particular going on im just asking if others would smash yuri too_

In a non-sexual way? boy would I

Your crisis is what I meant

_i do not have a crisis_

Oh really

Then why are you asking

Curiosity???

_yes!!!_

Did you google it like some 12 year old chick in love

_……no_

Listen to me, hugo

_YUGO_

Man, dont even with me

You’ve been flirting w this disgusting waste of space since before this chat has come to life. Youre pulling on his pigtails so hard theyre gonna tear someday soon and once they do you will bitch and moan about the loss of love and you /will/ bemoan the fact that you didn’t do anything sooner while it was still hot and definitely a thing. So here’s some advise: DO YOURSELF A FUCKING FAVOR AND JUST ASK HIM OUT ALREADY

Sure hes gonna make fun of you for the first two weeks but trust me hes gonna be on you like koala to a eucalyptus tree. He will wrap himself around you and hiss at all of us foolish mortals for coming too close to his fav tree

Not like he isn’t doing that already

_he is?_

He’s not even in the superglue zone. He’s in the HOT GLUE zone

_stahhhhp ////_

_youre simply saying all of this to confuse me further_

Really

Am I REALLY

Ask yourself that

We’re your…… groupies or whatever and we kinda care or /at least/ we want this awkward courtship to be over – ugh you should read the chats from OUR perspective

If you don’t believe me – try it right now. read it and then tell me what YOU see. Even a dense idiot would SEE

Gn for now

Text me ur answer later or whatever

* * *

 

**[google search: apparently i might be a bit gayer than id initially thought**

**why is yuzu hiiragi always talking crushes into me**

**google why you show me her middle school account but not yuris cosplay page]**

* * *

 

**[New message, from: serena]**

_Yuri, let him smash_

What?

* * *

 

**[new message, from: moon lady <3]**

_So… who’s gonna tell him_

No one for now

Tbh let yuri say it HIMSELF

_You think hes ever gonna lol_

Never probably

Well maybe if yugo steps up his game…

Or if his reputation’s on the line

Also he wrote you, right?

_You betcha_

Did he wake you up

_Did he wake you up w his nonsense tho coz if he did_

_Nah im fine_

_I was awake either way_

Because of fever?

_Yeah… I feel better but then it sort of knocks me down and then kicks me around a lil_

I’m so sorry, I’ll drop by to visit with some veggie soup, oki?

_Alright…_

_My head hurts really badly. The meds don’t help and I think there’s only one cure_

Whats that? :o

_A kiss on the forehead ;)_

…sdkjasdn

Okay

<3

_< 3_

_Yuzu?_

Yeah?

_Full homo xoxo_

Wasn’t it full homo all along

_Tbh it kinda was_

I’ll drop by after the lectures

_I’ll be waiting for you with batted breath_

Breathe, you silly. Your stuffy nose will appreciate it

_You’re the best, sugar_

Blushes

* * *

 

**[new message, from: Serena J.]**

_Oh and one more thing if you ever try to go for it, call him sugar. It will make him weak in the knees I promise_

weak in the knees from HATRED you mean

_Are you still on about this mutual rivalry thing_

ill never let this one go

and ill consider

IF I EVER FEEL SUICIDAL

_It wont be worse than yuto’s fuck up I reckon_

if i were yoot id be dead by now. i wouldve ran into heavy traffic the moment i unglued myself from kurosaki

_Theres no heavy traffic in that area_

who says i wouldnit have sprinted all the way to a busy one

_Man youre a weenie_

* * *

 

**Private conversation, November 4 th**

-

YURI: “And then he sighed against Yuri’s mouth, deep and overflowing with stomach-churning affection, slowly losing himself to the deep kiss. Yuri’s fingers slowly trailed down the knight’s flushed face, wishing to feel him better, his warmth, even through the thick leather of his battered gloves.” Oh man this is getting pretty heated. (ノ*゜▽゜*)

Ahem.

“His tongue was velvet-soft against the roof of Yuri’s mouth, tracing experimental, shy patterns there. The knight tasted like oranges and the thief detected a hint of blood against his palate – the reminder of a fight that had occurred beforehand.” As someone who knows how many salt crackers and garlic bread you consume daily, I’m calling out bullshit. Your breath would probably make me recoil faster than anything out there. ~

YUGO: OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

WHY AM I FORCED TO COME BACK TO THIS

YURI: Quick, go take another shower because it only gets juicier from here on out. ~ (*^▽^*)

YUGO: NO

I DON’T WANNA SEE THIS

YURI: “’Yuri…’ the knight moaned into the thief’s mouth, ‘if we go any further… I won’t be able to stop myself.’”

YUGO: STOP NO OMG

I CAN LITERALLY HEAR YOU NARRATING

THIS COULD EASILY REPLACE ALL TORTURE DEVICES.  THEY JUST HAVE TO RECORD YOU SAYING IT

YURI: Oh damn, they totally should. Who would be better at voicing my moans than ME. ~ ɾ⚈▿⚈ɹ

YUGO: THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU SICK FUCK

nvm that, which fucking asshole wrote this??????????????

YURI: Some anon? (*･▽･*)

YUGO: suspicious af

-

**[PRIVATE, YUGO@YUZU]**

YUGO: SHOW ME THE PERSON WHO WROTE THAT THING

YUZU: what thing???? wtf are u on about this time

YUGO: DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FANFIC

THE GROSS ONE W ME...................BONING yuri

YUZU: WHAT

there's fanfic already?? where??

YUGO: shouldn't you be the one telling me that???

YUZU: i had no idea it exists where'd you get it

YUGO: fucking guess

YUZU: brb i must get a copy

YUGO: YOU TRAITOR

YUZU: ye ye i'll ask where he found it too i guess

-

YUGO: I WANT NAMES

YURI: Looks like your quest failed, Knight. ~

YUGO: don't call me that

YURI: Alright. I hate the sound of it too, yikes.

Though I really do think that they did a SPLENDID job. Especially during the sex scene. ~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

YUGO: don’t you even DARE

YURI: “It looks like your blows aren’t the only things hard to deal with,’ the thief remarked, a smirk to his voice, and let his hand squeeze the long [EDITED BECAUSE WE HAVE A LITERAL TODDLER RIGHT HERE].”

YUGO: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

YURI: Are you screaming because you want to know what happened next? ~ ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

YUGO: im gonna go kms rn

YURI: I personally think that they got my personality on point!~ I would definitely say this irl. (・∀・)

YUGO: GOD STOP I DON’T EVEN WANNA CONSIDER IT

YURI: You were /considering/ it?~

YUGO: NO

YURI: Somehow I find that HARD to believe. ;)))

YUGO: KMS

KYS

FUCK YOU

BYE

also if you print this out and show it to the rest im gonna kill you

YURI: How will you kill me if you die first?

YUGO: i will rise from my grave and haunt you forever

YURI: I’m not into necrophilia. :/

YUGO: CAN YOU STOP

YURI: Never.

As for the printing…

**[[YURI sent an attachment](http://imgur.com/a/J0re4)]**

Too late. ~

YUGO: you literally. printed this out. and put it together like a little book

you monster

also that duckface is ugly

YURI: It's not a duckface, excuse you.

It’s our firstborn fanfiction baby. I must treat it with extreme care. <3

**[[YUGO sent an attachment](http://imgur.com/a/HLNGc)]**

YUGO: what I think about ur work

**[[YURI sent an attachment](http://imgur.com/a/Iziyc)]**

YUGO: ??

OH COME ON

i have a knife to my throat with a dead, resigned look in my eyes and you only draw on a bikini on my naked chest and write ‘boobie’ in comic sans

YURI: Tag your nsfw. (*^▽^*)

YUGO: do my nipples offend you

YURI: Blushes

Oh, muffin, is this turning out to be a sexting marathon?~ (ノ*゜▽゜*)

YUGO: I’ll block you

YURI: You say it every time.

YUGO: this time for real

YURI: You also said that like the last 1654165165 times.

I’m sure I’m missing some numbers but you get the gist of it.

YUGO: youre impossible

YURI: And yet you’re still here.

YUGO: because I’m bound by the duty to tell you that I have your fucking shit microwave fixed.

YURI: Oh cool, bring it over today if you can. I’m tired of burnt food.

YUGO: you cant cook?

YURI: Do I /look/ like I can cook.

YUGO: Yes?

YURI: Stay for dinner then. :))))))))))))

YUGO: aaaaaaaaah um you know what im good

YURI: </3

YUGO: hey uh

btw

are you like

busy tonight

YURI: …what’s the catch?

YUGO: don’t quote me to ME

YURI: Are you going to attempt to take away my cash.

YUGO: i don’t steal cash from hobos dw

YURI: Then what the fuck do you want.

YUGO: wow rude I’m only asking if you’re free

YURI: Kind of. Will catch up on some work. Go to the rooftop and maybe lie around and stargaze, contemplate the existence of dumb apes pretending to be human (you).

YUGO: wow ok I think I changed my mind I was gonna ask if I can come with but since im an ape and all I think I will stick to my banana hunt plans

YURI: You’re asking me. If you can join me. At my house. To stargaze.

YUGO: yes?

YURI: I don’t accept half-assed people into my humble abode.

YUGO: y e s

there, better?

can I stay?

YURI: Hmmm… No.

YUGO: WHAT. BUT I FIXED MYSELF ALSO.

YURI: You’re just gonna come and complain about the cold and leave ten minutes in.

YUGO: i’ll dress warmly.

YURI: Do you even own anything that has longer than ¾ sleeves?

YUGO: I OWN STUFF

YURI: Could’ve fooled me. (　＾∇＾)

YUGO: i’m no toddler I think I can handle some night wind

YURI: You won’t be saying that once you’re lying in bed with a nearly fatal fever, drowning in your snot as Rin spoon-feeds you chicken soup and wraps you up in even more blankets. You know, like a toddler.

YUGO: i didn’t know you cared enough for my safety to warn me to dress warmly

YURI: It’s not care if I’m stating a basic fact that would easily elude someone like you.

How long are you planning on staying.

YUGO: i’ve got nowhere to be tomorrow so idk. until you kick me out?

YURI: Fifteen minutes it is.

YUGO: fifteen? wow youre generous

YURI: Only because of the microwave.

YUGO: if you say so

YURI: It’s a date then. ~ (☆^ー^☆)

YUGO: i’m too tired to argue

YURI: Then don’t and accept it for what it is.~

YUGO: cool

YURI: What?

YUGO: i said cool

date, whatever. im fine with this. i’ll see you in the evening, yuri

YURI: Who are you even.

Are you sick already?

**[YUGO logged off]**

Always the same tactics. It’s sorta annoying.

* * *

 

**[new message, from: yugo :*]**

_yuzu i just condemned myself_

Good to know youre making good decisions for once

_but i didnt even get to say anything_

Score some ass

_you know what ur useless bye_

<3

* * *

 

**[new message, from: pogobogo]**

_nachos or cheetos_

I’m a Cheetos man

_we're never going to…… work out…… </3_

WHO ARE YOU EVEN.


	9. spoon me, daddy

**[New message, from: yugo :*]**

_ever had something go so wrong that you briefly considered seppuku only for it to do a complete 180 at the last moment? because i did_

_this is my life, these are my choices_

_you could make a bad tv show out of this, call it "how yugo ended up spooning yuri in the confinement of his hipster cave"_

I’d ask if youre missing some limbs but you seem to be pretty good at typing so

How’d it go? When did you get back?

_get back? please. im still here bruh_

Spooning yuri lmao?

**[yugo :* sent an attachment]**

_you betcha_

……You do realize that im framing this and keeping it on my bedside table for the rest of my life right? This will become a family heirloom

When yuya’s busy making a wedding slideshow for your biker wedding this will “””””accidentally”””” end up being the last pic

What I want to say is

HOW ARE YOU NOT FUCKING DEAD YET

_i wish i had an answer to that very legitimate question but im just as lost as you are if not more_

_hes been conked out for hours now im too scared to breathe not to mention move_

_this one time i had to sneeze and when i did, i experienced true fear for the first time in my life_

_ok maybe not the /first/ but you should feel me_

_also his cat tried to suffocate me with its furry ass like it nearly sat on my fucking face as though it fucking knew that i wouldn't be able to push it away with yuri spooning me. it got bored a few hours later thank god. i hope i dont get to see that satans reincarnation for the rest of my stay_

_btw yuri makes the cutest noises in his sleep can this be used as blackmail material_

I think the pic that you just sent me should be more than enough

_yeah but if i recorded the baby hedgehog noises and combined it with the image itd be an overkill_

Hes gonna have your head

_ive come to terms with my imminent destruction three hours ago. my left arms already past that stage. shinjis gonna fucking fire me i just know it_

Nah he won’t you got a debt to pay off first

_yeah well id love to see myself try to hold a wrench between my buttcheeks because rn that seems to be the only plausible scenario_

_his thigh is locking me in place. i should consider myself a lucky man because i dont feel like taking a piss break yet_

I don’t want to hear about your pissing habits

Tell me more about HOW YOU ENDED UP IN THIS SITUATION

_wow yuzu and you call ME immature, pissing is just a natural part of bodily functions :)_

Are you about to drop a biology lecture on me, professor

_why you ask? you want me to talk science to you? ;)_

I’ll pretend that I didn’t have to spend time reading this

Also last time you talked science to me we failed our class’ project

Thanks for that btw

_omg let it go_

Never

_boo_

_also im disappointed in you, im dropping you SUCH A BOMB here and youre like not even screeching in capslock_

Read it again

Also it’s 7 am, what the fuck did you expect? If it were some other, less important topic, by now I would’ve broken into your house and strangled you with the cord of your headphones

_choke me harder daddy_

Don’t vent your unsatisfied libido my way

There’s still time, you can still score ;) though I doubt he’s going to offer you breakfast and a cuddling session afterwards

_thats alright, im armed with gummy bears and chicken-flavored instant noodles. his bad cooking skills cant hurt me_

_assuming he doesnt hurt me first, that is_

I'm more interested in knowing how you’re even managing to text me without waking him

_what can i say, im a fucking wizard, yuzu_

_tbh im straight up nose-typing at some points. whenever he moves, i see my life flash before my eyes which is pretty boring btw_

_ffgggkglknlna he just sneezed it was ADORABLE_

Never thought the day would come when I'd hear you call yuri /adorable/ of all things

_hey i have a good hearing and this shit is cute as fuck okay_

_itd be even cuter if he didnt follow it up with /suspicious movements/_

I bet he’s awake and just messing with you

_……_

_fuck_

_FUCK_

_YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS_

Oh but I am, yugo~

_DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOUVE JUST DONE_

_IM GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK INDUCED BY AN UNHEALTHY DOSE OF PARANOIA. SHITS BEEN ACCUMULATING THE ENTIRE NIGHT_

Its better to slowly suffocate than have yuri attempt to take out your kidneys with a blunt kitchen knife and then sell them on black market afterwards. He’ll use that money to buy himself like one d&g cardigan and a potted plant. That’s all your life is worth, never forget it

Also If he’s trying to subtly ~grind~ against you, I can safely confirm that he is in fact awake

_hes been……… moving around the entire night, theres no way that any of this is on purpose. you think hed lower his guard in front of me to /this/ extent just to slap me in the face afterwards?_

Yeah?

_uh_

_he probably would ON ANY OTHER OCCASION but he was ASLEEP okay. and hopefully still is_

How are you not blueballed by now

_we are not discussing this_

_im already skating on thin ice here_

Isn’t it “threading”

_that may be so… but im skating. i cant skate. im falling over. the ice is cracking. yuri is cackling at my misery._

That bad huh?

_HELP. ME._

Sorry, bro, it just seems that you’re on your own

* * *

 

**[New message, from: Serena J.]**

_I heard all about your trainwreck of a sleepover and twisted sleep kinks but how did it even come to this? You never told yuzu and im not gonna back off until you spill the beans_

_You’re excused only and I mean ONLY if you’re currently bleeding out in the ER. If you are, im really sorry to hear that mate, but you knew who it was that you were dealing with. Also we’re gonna come to your imminent funeral whether you want us around or not._

_And you need to send me a pic of your maimed body as a proof_

you're beginning to sound like my physics professor

you both have zero empathy

_I apologize that I wasn’t raised to be an emotional twat like you_

bitch

_Jerk_

let me nap first

_Did you honestly expect mercy from me of all the people like if you wanted to nap it off you shouldn’t have liveblogged this mess to anyone_

im starting to second-guess my choices of friends

_Who said we’re friends lmao_

my point exactly

so what do you want to know

_How you seduced Yuri into bed with you duh_

just to clear everything up it wasnt even a bed

_Ohh Yuri likes it rough?_

rather we were on his floor and i think that ive developed serious allergies to his persian carpet. and his douchebag cat. and yuri himself probably. mostly yuri

_Said the guy who then proceeded to cradle yuri in his arms for the rest of the night_

look he fell asleep on MY SHOULDER and i didnt want to lose it by jostling him at the wrong moment. i need it for functional arms. YOU need ME to have functional arms, bitch, who else is gonna hoard your yard sale cables and then carry your equipment

_Quit whining, drama queen_

i will whine as much as i please, i have every fucking right to whine after spending my night like THAT

_Did you roofie him_

whats wrong with you

_So did you?_

no you sick fuck we were simply watching some boring ass movie and he nodded off

_…holy shit_

_That sounds like_

_Three times more romantic than id imagined_

who the hell do you take me for? someone who doesnt buy you dinner first? someone who wont take your coat and push your chair for you?

_No, you self-proclaimed love guru, I meant that you were at YURI’S (need I remind you that none of us have stepped a foot inside his sex dungeon) and you know how thirsty he is for your special, homemade banana juice_

you disgust me im putting an end to this conversation rn

_I'm gonna ignore that ANYWAY I figured that he’d invite you, knock you out via cocktails or straight up punch your lights out, tie you up and do all kinds of nasty dom things. With sexy sax music playing in the background and I dunno like red light bulbs that he’d purchased at the nearest party store involved_

_Along with a maid outfit or something (I saw the pics btw and what do you know they’re pretty sexy actually)_

send them over

_(let me continue omg don’t be rude)_

_You know… Yuri-like seduction_

_And then you came along_

_With cuddles and what seems to be a movie night? My expectations have been straight up blown out of the water, dude_

we were supposed to stargaze

_You were supposed to what now_

YEAH WELL we went up to his rooftop and it was pretty neat and aesthetic as fuck (hes got a mini garden up there, imagine) and we were actually chilling and not fighting for once and everything was going so smoothly until i bent over him to grab some cheetos coz i had to be the bigger man and get those since you know im the guest and all

that motherfucker pushed me so hard that i had to balance myself

idk why he did that jesus but that strength is abnormal

_Are you being serious rn_

yes

_'Serious' serious?_

yea???

_You’re hopeless_

yeah whatever  ~let me continue~

_I’ll snap your neck in half, fuckboy_

uh huh

so he pushed me right and i was about to fall over but then i braced myself with my right arm and our night went to absolute shit coz i kinda accidentally pushed at a tender part of his knee

apparently hes got problems with his legs probably because hes a fucking small ass gremlin with a bone disorder i dunno he didnt talk much about it

basically i kinda… pushed his knee out of place or something i dont know???

_Oh my fucking god_

_I just choked on my drink WHAAAAT_

oh it gets /worse/, trust me

so basically hes howling in pain and cursing so badly that my ears are starting to bleed and im Freaking the fuck Out

i mean if you were in my place youd be doing the same

do i attempt to put it back in place? do i take him to docs? should i even do anything?

so hes screaming, im yelling also, and i even hear his neighbors making a fuss, but then he sort of shifts a little, sits up, does something with his palms and then hes fine and staring at me with this expressionless face as though /nothing happened/ and this was completely /normal/ while im near tears, ready to straight up shit myself because holy heck that was scary

the neighbors come out and start shining flashlights into our eyes but they dont even ask him if hes alright they just straight up head back inside. like they dont even try to help him

i was so offended on his behalf

we sat there in complete silence for like five minutes until he actually noticed how uncomfortable i was and then we returned to the lair and i put on the first movie i could think of while he nearly burned our popcorn and then fell asleep thirty minutes in, the end

_The moment I heard the word rooftop I thought to myself now this is a disaster waiting to happen_

_It seems that I wasn’t wrong_

i dont think the word disaster even begins to cover it

_Well this ended up being far more entertaining than I thought it would, thanks for sharing_

as if you didnt just bully it out of me

_Oh please, you were probs burning with need to tell this to someone_

lmao true

_And there you have it_

_Also what did yuri say when he woke up?_

_You sure you aint missing at least some limbs?_

uh, he

_????_

he said “good morning”, picked up his devil cat and left the room

_Just like that???_

just like that. i was frozen stiff for a solid ten minutes. he didnt even pay me any attention and continued cleaning up. like hed move my legs every now and then but that was it. its like i wasnt even there

_Shit. Sounds so fake?_

i know, dude, i fucking know.

but trust me – this is the reality we currently live in

_The reality in which yuri is fucking SMITTEN_

more like fooling me into letting my guard down

_Clears throat_

_You’re a fucking moron._

bitch

_Jerk_

is this like a thing now

_It is_

_Deal with it_

* * *

**[PRIVATE, SERENA@YURI]**

SERENA: youre turning soft

YURI: When will people stop butting into my life?

SERENA: right back at you

YURI: When I die.

SERENA: same

YURI: I hope you die TODAY then~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the knees? true story  
> except it was a swingset at midnight


End file.
